Stay! By My Side

Chapter 32

Shinichi's POV

Agitation is one thing I should've avoided, if I was being wise, if I was in the right mind. These days, I could only blame the suffocating silence which was so loud that it's deafening. I was left in the dark, alone with only a piece of paper to depend on.

Take the antidotes diligently, don't haste. You promised me to be alive, fulfill it as I already fulfilled mine to you. Don't waver. Farewell, Kudo-kun.

The letter was hidden under a pile of file named APTX 4869, written by non other than Haibara herself. It's only been three weeks but her scent in this room was slowly fading away, leaving me with nothing but a vague memories of her being.

And I Love You. Cordially, Shiho.

Cordially. How ironic. She wrote that word and yet she disappeared without any warm embrace. There's no trace of urgency in her writing, but she didn't hesitate either, confirming of how steady and certain she was at that moment.

"How could I not waver after receiving those three words from you, Haibara?"

Rereading the letter was not comforting at all and yet I couldn't stop myself from doing so. The pain and regret were not dear to me but they're a way to remind me she's somewhere to be found. These feelings would hinder me from giving up on her.

I would make sure to apologize to Professor Agasa later. Of course throwing a temper on him couldn't change a thing, but I hate the idea of moving on from this situation. As I decided earlier, the pain is one way to keep her presence inside my mind and I was gonna keep it that way.

Inside the lab was a mess thanks to my temper earlier. I got up on my feet and started to clean up the place when suddenly remembered something, something in particular is missing from this lab, but I wasn't sure what it was.

Reorganizing the work table first would be a wise choice, I suppose, the very place she left that letter. This table seems ridiculously tidy that day, knowing that she left the house without bringing any of her stuff, so she must have been purposely cleaning this side. Why? So I would recognize the letter right away? Was that the only reason?

Even after I finished tidying up the table, I still couldn't able to find what's missing, or what I thought was missing. So I moved to another part of the room, where I found mountains of paper, which some of them appeared to be Haibara's doodles while working on the antidotes while the rest were just unused pile of paper and envelopes.

Envelopes. That's it. There was a brown envelopes on top of the table the last day I saw her. And guess what? There's no brown envelopes in this room right now. So she took them. She only took them with her.

Instead of making the room tidier, I made it messier through my effort to find any brown colored envelopes. So what was inside those envelopes? Where did she got that from? Why left everything but took them in particular?

"Shinichi?"

Deep in thoughts, I didn't hear Agasa entering the lab. Seeing his troubled face deepened my guilt.

"Sorry, professor, I didn't notice you there."

I got up on my feet and throwing my sight around the room, still hoping to find anything worthy.

"Did you happen to see any brown envelopes in this room after she left?" I tilted my head to face Agasa, try to capture everything in his face. "Try to remember, it was a standard envelopes i believe."

"Brown envelopes?" He wondered, adjusting his glasses while giving me a clearly puzzled face. "I doubt I ever saw something like that. What's going on? Is the envelopes related to all this?"

"I cannot be sure for now," I shake my head in doubt, putting my left hand inside my pocket while stroking my chin with the other hand, "But I remember clearly there was these envelopes the last day I was with her in here."

I walk across the room, still rummaging anything under the table. "She left all of her stuffs behind, Professor, she didn't even bring any of her clothes, and she also didn't bring the antidotes file. So inside those envelopes must be something highly important." Which gave me additional anxiety.

"She brought the doll, though," said Agasa while clearing his throat and glared at me, unsure, wondering if telling me that was necessary. "The one you gave her that day, when she was bed resting."

Yes, she took the stuffed animal with her, the one I got from buying that damn cheese cake.

"Out of all things, she brought that one with her but leaving us clueless. It doesn't sound like her, if I might say, Professor. Don't you think so?"

"We would never know what really is inside someone's heart, Shinichi." He paused, waiting for my reaction. When I gave him none, he continued with a little more confidence than earlier, "But what I believe right now is that you, of all things, were somewhere inside that heart and I'm very sure of it."

"I know," I turned my head to face Agasa and gave him a weak smile, "Only that I wish she would confirm it in my face right now, Professor. I want it to happen so badly that it breaks my heart."

"I'm sorry, Shinchi."

"No," I walked closer to him and patted his arm gently. "I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you, and I'm sorry I made your lab in a whole nother mess."

"Let's have a good dinner tonight, Shinichi. Let's put everything inside our mind in order, so that way, we could bring Ai-kun home again."

"I was wondering, Professor, what if this is what she really wants all along? Away from us? What if I was the one who push her away?"

"Shinichi, do you think she left because she wanted to leave you?" Agasa gave me a disbelief glare right now, put his glasses off, and rolled his eyes. "You don't get the actual situation, do you?"

"What I mean is, that day, when we suddenly stopped talking to each other. I was trying to make something clear, but she said that I should not waver. If only I didn't try to.."

"Shinichi, no offense to your intelligence, but you could be totally clueless at some particular things."

"And what is this particular things, if I may ask?"

"Ai-kun in fact is in a difficult situation, and I am very understand about all this, she didn't want to hurt anyone which ended up hurting herself and unintentionally hurt you in the process."

"I still don't understand where is this going."

"You've grown fond of her and this fact seems to be a shocking thing for her. And I highly doubt that she actually left because of this. Think about it, Shinichi, she could be left long time ago, but she didn't. She even asked you to let her joined you in the team."

"I know," I know the awkward situation between us wouldn't make her disappeared just like that. "I'm just not in the right mind I've started to overanalyzed everything."

"She wouldn't left just because a simple reason, Shinichi, you know that. You're being scared for no reason, you should know her better than anyone else."

"Did I? Did I really know her well all this time? Did I really know her enough?"

"You always do. If she ever left us, It would be because she always wanted to protect us."

"Which is quite ridiculous, because it should be the other way around. It should be us, the protector. We should have been the protector. "