DAYLIGHT - K. Rukawa

twenty

Chapter 20: first person pov. Edited on 10th of January 2022.

"Mitsui, do you think this is the time to talk about everything?" I urged Mitsui, now with his eyes open, as I made my way to the empty bed again.

I sat on the bed again facing Mitsui. His eyes are not on me, but instead, his gaze is focused on the white ceiling. There's a brief silence between us until he urged me to speak once again, but now I'm returning to the question I asked a while ago.

"How about you F/N? What do you think?"

I stayed still in my position with my eyes never leaving his figure. I haven't talked to Mitsui like this for almost two years. I always see him, but I never really urge to talk to him because I don't want to bother him that time anymore. I felt like I was to blame for him quitted basketball at that time.

Silence fills the atmosphere. The space between us felt too intense for me to even respond and make a move. I sat there overthinking.

I saw how Mitsui hesitated for a bit, but this time he finally turned his gaze on me. He irked a quite painful expression as he forced himself to turn his worn-out body just to face me completely. I already noticed that he's been trying to arch his body and took attempts before actually facing me. My wandering eyes have met him, for once in a while I didn't avoid it.

I realize that It's been so long since the last time I stared at his eyes, and never want to take my eyes off his. I saw how he relaxed for a minute. I shut my eyes as I breathed quietly to relax too.

"Let's just settle things in here. I don't want you distracted for the team's upcoming games." I finally voiced it out. This time, calmer. But it seems like I'm talking like I'm still avoiding something.

"You should ask questions now, F/N."

I've always wondered about it, about this. Before this day even comes, I already thought of a lot of questions for Mitsui. But now that the day has finally arrived, I have forgotten all of them. All of those, 'why?' That I collected for years.

"I... I don't know Mitsui." I started, I placed both of my hands on my thighs, slightly massaging them because they've been trembling for a while.

I sighed, biting my lower lip. "You never gave me the chance to understand you more. You ended everything like it was the only choice. You've been a complete jerk for pretending that what happened years ago, all of them, weren't real. I honestly have a lot of questions prepared for you even before, but today I am lost for words."

"I'm sorry F/N. It was the only way. I don't want to burden you anymore. It was hard." Mitsui's eyelids looked so heavy as he voiced it out. His voice was slightly shaking and on the verge of breaking. His breath became heavier than usual. It's like he's trying his best not to cry.

"I grew tired and sick of it," I muttered under my breath. "Apologies mean nothing if people do not make any changes at the end of the day."

I locked my eyes on him. I didn't cry. I'm sure I won't waste it on this. I already lost lots of it over the past years, and just like how I said it, I grew tired and sick of it. They said that crying is the best solution to let out everything you felt, but it was not real at all.

"You knew how much I loved playing. How passionate I am about it, how I dreamt of bringing Shohoku to the top, and I became a coward... it was an accident during practice after I made a jump shot. I fell on my ankles badly, and the last thing I knew is I can't play anymore." Mitsui has continued.

"For more than a year."

"And suddenly it was the time for me to face my downfall. I'm not good at anything aside from basketball. I'm not that good at academics, and I don't stand out on anything else aside from the sport. I felt like my life had no direction at all." His voice slightly trembles, he let out a pained smile at the last part.

I calmed myself while listening to him. He must have been through a lot. And it was sad that he had to deal with all of it alone, just because he didn't want to burden someone.

"Who could've got that thought... that the prodigy from a powerhouse middle school has fallen just because of his ankles? I don't want to disappoint a lot of people." He took a deep breath and pause, as he bit his lower lip.

"I can't handle seeing the disappointment on their faces. My parents, Anzai-sensei, the team, Akagi-san, and of course, you. Who had been there for me for almost everything."

I heard Mitsui let out a very agonizing chuckle. "I thought that maybe it's the time for you to choose what you really like, because I don't want you to end up with someone like me."

"F/N, from the beginning you always knew about my feelings for you. I never admitted nor denied it towards you, but I'm sure you're not that dense and you already sensed it."

"Mitsui..." I murmured, frustrated. With Mitsui's confessions, it would be hard if we didn't get to settle everything here. It would be a huge distraction for him, and for the team. I don't want our personal reasons to affect us, his play, and my duties as a manager.

"Don't worry, F/N." Mitsui smiled, surprising me a bit. His smile was so genuine that it made me stop breathing for a second. His smile has almost reached his eyes, making them shut a little.

"You're not mine, as I'm not yours."

My eyes widened a bit at that. I bit my lower lip once again, because of the anticipation feeling growing inside of me. It's strange, that it didn't hurt me a bit at all. It feels like I've become used to it that it honestly doesn't make me mad anymore.

Or maybe, I have finally forgiven Mitsui, even before.

"I knew this day will come, that I have to let go of everything. But unlike what I've said before, this time I won't try to forget it."

I smiled, finally breaking the eye contact between us, as I lowered my gaze on the floor. I felt a huge relief, sorting out this sorrow that has made my heart heavy. And now I can finally say that somehow, we have ended things here. This is the only closure I've wanted for years.

I nod my head, smiling. "Yes. Thank you, Mitsui."