Salvation

Chapter 14

Well. Back from the abyss again. I dunno. I have zero excuses. I moved? I could feel my depression and anxiety hitting me all at once? Being busy with life?

TW: mentions of sensitive topics in the second half. I know this whole story is full of them, but I'm giving a reminder.

...

Junmyeon sat opposite Tao once again, feeling the familiar weight of guilt in the pit of his stomach. Tao said nothing, staring at the table top with enough force Junmyeon was shocked ot didn't shatter. A tiny ball leaked between his fingers, which would occasionally loosen and allow the object to regain its original shape. Junmyeon watched silently, feeling reality warp around him.

"How are you?" Junmyeon finally asked, snapping out of it long enough to gain some composure back. Tao glanced up briefly, and Junmyeon hissed out a breath at his sunken and lifeless appearance. He beat himself up over that every day. How dare he ruin his already fragile friend? Zitao shifted in his seat, his sleeves rising slightly in the process, and once again Junmyeon was confronted with the man's demons.

"I've been better," Tao finally admitted, voice like sandpaper. "Yixing and Yifan visit me often, so there's that. I don't know. I still feel really alone even though I'm surrounded by people." Junmyeon never heard a more accurate description of how he felt inside. Here he was in a place teeming with life, with people around every corner. With people who made an attempt to visit him. Yet he never felt more isolated from them. Even Jongin and Jongdae he felt a certain disconnect with. He felt the most connected with them, sure, but it still felt like sometimes he was observing from outside himself. Watching a shell of a man move about like a puppet on strings, doing exactly what was directed of him without change.

"I'm..." Junmyeon momentarily trailed off as Zitao gazed up at him. "I'm sorry. I've never apologized for how I acted to you. It was stupid on my part." Zitao inclined his head, seeming to accept the apology without outright stating it. "Yifan loves you. So much Taozi. It's written on him every time he comes in here."

"You think?" Tao mused, adopting a far away and slightly glossy look. "I've always wondered what it looks like to an outsider. Obviously I've seen him every day for quite awhile." Obviously Junmyeon knew the story. Everyone in their school, and a few in the surrounding ones, knew the story of how those two got together. Zitao was a feisty thing, never easily tamed. He'd already spent a few years as an exchange student at their school before Yifan was even in the picture. Once Yifan did arrive, however, Tao made it his personal mission to annoy the other exchange student as much as possible.

If Junmyeon were honest, he never would have expected the two of them to ever end up together. Yifan seemed tense and gruff, while Tao was an excitable ball of energy. Zitao also had a special skill of picking at every single of of Yifan's buttons without actually setting him off. At first Yifan seemed angry at the other man. Then it turned into mild annoyance. Then, somewhere along the way, the annoyance melted into fondness. By the end of the year they were attached at the hip. By the summer they were dating. And by the time they all graduated, they were so in love it was obvious from a country over. Yifan's tough demeanor evaporated little by little. And in turn Zitao grew comfortable and willing. He still had his wild streak, but now he had Yifan behind him, encouraging him or pulling him from danger. Yifan treasured Zitao like he was the most precious thing on the planet.

Even Junmyeon, with his fucked up perspective on love, could see it. Yifan and Zitao were soul mates if he ever saw them, so wrapped up and devoted to each other it was sickly sweet. But he wouldn't wish it away, for either man's sake.

"Yifan loves you like no one else ever has." Junmyeon finally settled on that, pleased when a tiny smile graced his somewhat friend's features. The lapsed into silence after that, only broken by the occasional mumble of the only other person in the room. Junmyeon studied the table top and the checker piece in his hand. Tao stared fixedly at a point on the wall behind his companion, zoning in and out of reality.