Salvation

Chapter 11

I wanna not be essential right now. Please? This sucks.

...

Checkers with Tao. Lights. Bright. Blinding. Giving him headaches. Swimming. Sickness. Shaking. Darkness darkness darkness. Free falling into the nothing below only to claw his way out again. Failure. All he was. Disgrace. Who could love you? Tao's voice calling to him. Baekhyun, Chanyeol, faces blurry. Lights again. Bright. BRIGHT. Please turn it off. Make it go away. White everything. White walls. White clothes. Falling, falling, falling....

"Junmyeon?" Said male lifted his face from his arms, wiping sticky tear tracks with his fingers. He didn't even know he could produce more tears. He felt hollow most days anymore, feeling alienated even from those who seemed to care about him. He dug his nails into the fleshy part of his thighs next, gazing steadily at the nurse who hovered over him. She pursed her lips, worry dancing unaffected across her features.

Out in the fenced in yard. Fresh air is good for you they always told him. And he'd felt good, he really did. As good as he could get. But as always his thoughts ravaged and devoured him, eventually spitting him back out but leaving him immobile. The kind of thoughts that plagued him, pushed him, tossed him around. That didn't care how many steps forward he attempted because they would just yank him back by the collar every time.

"Junmyeon, hey, you okay?" Tao filled his vision next, his nose scrunched up in a way Junmyeon knew to be concerned. Junmyeon still didn't respond, his throat constricted, his tongue feeling like cement against his teeth. Sunny and bright around him, but inside so black it was hard to imagine a time there had been light. Junmyeon sniffed, unfurling his fingers and picking at the grass beneath him, feeling the blades between his fingertips. Grounding him. He swallowed hard, everything hurting. Everything hurting... "Junmyeon," Tao said again, crouching beside the man and taking his hands in his own. Junmyeon flinched at the contact, Tao's skin like acid on his own.

"Zitao." Another voice joined the first. Junmyeon's nurse, still hovering over them, her voice a warning. But Tao fixed his gaze on the man in front of him. Junmyeon feebly swatted his hands around, the first signs of life from him since this began.

It started so simply really. Fresh air outside. Junmyeon and several others, clad in their white uniforms so they looked like prisoners. Maybe in many ways they were. Junmyeon wandered aimlessly, peering out beyond the fence, watching passerbys. Individuals walking dogs. Young couples so in love with each other, wrapped up in each other's arms. Families with young children toddling along between them. Junmyeon's heart gave a pang at that. He only ever imagined a scenario like that. He wanted a loving family so bad it hurt him to his core. He wanted so badly to belong somewhere. Anywhere.

The final straw had been another younger couple, their fingers intertwined between them, their combined hands swinging in the air. The guy stopped the girl, cupped her face, and kissed her. Quick and comforting. And it reminded Junmyeon of all the times he'd dine that exact move on Eunha. How her eyes sparkled every time his fingers brushed her cheeks. Of a time where he thought happiness was tangible.

Focus. Breathe. Swimming in the pool. People here to help. Jongin. Jongdae. Minseok. Red cups with indistinguishable liquids. Darkness. Waves as tall as buildings. Standing on the shore watching them. Crashing. Roaring. Rolling. Going under... Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Hands reaching out to help. Crawling crawling crawling through it. Dropping him. Abyss below. No bottom. Hopeless...

"Junmyeon!" He flinched again as someone shook him, albeit gently. He recoiled from Tao, who in turn tilted his head to the side, appearing wounded. Junmyeon drew his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

"Yifan doesn't love you," Junmyeon mumbled, a fleeting thought. There one second and gone the next. Barely a whisper passed his lips. But Tao reacted like the words weighed a ton, rocking back so far he toppled over. His eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open, strangled sounds coming from him as he attempted to get the words out. Junmyeon plucked a blade of grass out and twirled it between his finger and thumb, meeting Tao's shocked gaze. "You're here, aren't you? This is where they dump you so they can forget about you."