Salvation

Chapter 6

Aww for the first time ever it didn't say 11 after I wrote chapter sad face.

I haven't done much writing for this but I do have a few chapters on standby. So I'm going to publish one so you guys still have content. Also go listen to Your Gravity by Up10tion because the song is a bop and has been stuck in my head for two days.

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Junmyeon hauled himself out of the surprisingly large pool, sitting at the edge and letting his feet dangle into the water. He watched water droplets race tracks down his chest, poking at his exposed ribs and wincing at how thin he'd let himself become. He didn't realize how little he ate that whole time, though the more he thought about it, the more sense it made. He hadn't much cared for food in the last few months. Just when the next burning feeling down his throat would appear.

He watched another man and a woman enter next, clad in their borrowed swim suits and talking in hushed voices. He glanced up to the ceiling and then at the clock, estimating he had only fifteen minutes left of his allotted hour for swim time. It was an odd feeling, being on a schedule and doing everything right on the hour. It was a discipline he never experienced before.

All his life he lived on a sort of "I'll get to it when I get to it" mentality. He never set himself up on any sort of schedule except for school. His father didn't care and his mother pretended he didn't exist. Why would he care about disciplining himself? But as he did his schedule and stuck to it day after day, he realized he'd been sorely lacking in his life. This schedule helped him feel stable. It helped him feel sane. Especially now, as the last of the alcohol was working its way through his body. Some nights he would lie awake and shake so badly he thought he would send his bed to the opposite wall. Other nights he would clutch his pillow and sob uncontrollably. It was few and far between he would ever sleep peacefully, forever plagued by a past he wished so bad to drown out.

"Junmyeon?" A familiar voice yanked him from his thoughts and nearly sent him tumbling back into the water below. He glanced up and was shocked to see none other than Huang Zitao, a towel wrapped around his shoulders. Junmyeon blinked up at the man, hardly believing it. What was Tao of all people doing in a place like this? He had a home, and a career, and people who cared about him. Everything Junmyeon longed to have. Then he noticed the other man's stomach. Ugly red lines criss crossed their way across his skin. Some looked so old they were almost completely healed. Some looked fresh, still bright and raised. Junmyeon looked away as Zitao promptly shifted his towel to cover his middle, heat exploding on his cheeks. "What are you doing here?" Zitao finally asked, sitting beside Junmyeon at the edge of the pool, letting his toes dangle into the water below.

"Same as everyone else," Junmyeon said at last. "Came here to get well. It's been a rough few years. Turned to alcohol and bar hopping to hide away my sorrows. Finally shit just hit the fan and Baekhyun and Chanyeol found me sleeping in an alleyway with nothing to my name."

"Wow we haven't seen you in awhile then," Zitao said, fiddling with his towel and looking down at the water with a frown. "You probably wanna know why I'm here, huh?" Junmyeon started at that. He wasn't one to push boundaries. "After all, I have every man's ideal life, right?" The Chinese male turned, cocking his head to the side and studying the flustered man beside him. "Loving boyfriend. A career that could skyrocket any moment. A nice townhouse that we've bought out and keep well maintained. My group of friends that love me beyond all measure."

"I never said..." Junmyeon began, but the look on Zitao's face stopped him cold. Sadness. Guilt. Regret. A thousand emotions all gone in the blink of an eye. But mostly sadness. A depth of sadness Junmyeon wasn't sure he would ever witness on someone else again.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up, day after day, look at your reflection in the mirror, and decide that you hate the sight of yourself?" Zitao asked. Once again Junmyeon was nearly rocked from his seat. "Do you know how it feels to have a little voice at the back of your head telling you how worthless you are, and how little meaning your life has, even if the logical side of yourself tells you over and over that things aren't that bad? How liberating this felt?" The towel dropped away as Zitao exposed his stomach once again, brushing his fingers against a particularly long, puffy scar. "And how fucked up it is knowing that you can stop this. Your mind is screaming at you to stop. That there's so many better options. But it's like your body just can't?"