Salvation

Chapter 5

So I've put up the first chapter. Slow start. But that's exactly how it goes all the time.

What's everyone listening to these days? I've really been enjoying NCT Dream's Boom. And I'm getting prepared for Up10tion's comeback and X1's debut

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Junmyeon paced his small room, reaching up to tug at his hair. Not a drop had passed his lips in the week he'd been here. Cold turkey quit. And the first few days had been pure bliss, bouncing between the light feeling of freedom and happiness. True happiness. He attended his therapy sessions even if he never did more than mumble out a few replies. He did his scheduled activities like a good little lackey. But now the craving was beginning to consume him, and with it a new feeling he thought he'd long suppressed.

Pain.

Junmyeon's thoughts were not happy ones, nor were they kind to the meat sack they piloted. It was almost suffocating, really, trying desperately to tell yourself you were only going to get better when a little voice at the back of your mind told you relentlessly that you were only a failure. Maybe his dad had been right. Maybe he really was better off dead some days. Junmyeon longed to drown the voices at the bottom of a bottle like so many times in the past. Alcohol became his solution. His salvation.

"Junmyeon?" Said male glanced up wearily, blinking at his nurse who poked her head into his open doorway. "You're late for therapy," she reminded him. Junmyeon looked to the clock on the wall, realizing she was right but also not really caring right now. "You'd better get going or Dr. Lee isn't going to be happy," she gently prodded him. But instead Junmyeon sank to the floor, his knees pulled to his chest and his breathing coming out ragged. He felt like he was drowning on land with no way out.

"I'll go," he managed to choke out around his panic. "Just give me a few minutes to get there." She pursed her lips and studied the man on the floor. Of course she knew of his conditions. Alcoholism with backgrounds of abuse and neglect. Her natural instinct was to intervene, but her training said leave it be. Those fighting addictions could be unstable. There was no sense risking herself to try and comfort the man, even if all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him.

Junmyeon heard her footfalls fading as she let him be, and with her presence gone he stabled his breathing. Their help felt suffocating. His life felt more meaningless than ever. What kind of man was he? Washed out at twenty five with nothing to his name and a failed marriage under his belt. Sent to get help with problems he thought he had a handle on. He was a waste of a man. A failure of a human.

He dried his cheeks of tears he didn't even know he could produce, slowly unfurling himself so he was sprawled on his back instead, gazing up unfocused at the ceiling, chest heaving as he attempted to get air into his lungs. He closed his eyes and mentally counted to ten, a trick he'd learned at therapy. Anything big now will seem insignificant in a few minutes' time. Just count and breathe. Center yourself. All those thoughts ran through his head as he pulled himself away from the edge once again, not falling this particular today.

"Junmyeon, you're late," Dr. Lee greeted when he shuffled into her office. He sat down wordlessly, embarrassment burning his cheeks. He mumbled something, though even to his own ears it sounded of nonsense. He peeked up to see her scribbling something down in her notebook. Her notes on him, like he was just some interesting science experiment and not a human being. "Is there a reason?" she finally asked, glancing up to catch his eye. But he ducked his head again, giving it a small shake, like he didn't trust himself with the words. She also wrote that down. All week he'd been very verbal. She did briefly wonder what brought this on. Then she watched his hands fly to his hair, tugging harshly as he mumbled to himself.