Depression Doesn't Mean Self Harm.

The beginning isn't the best

I was 8 years old when I was slapped on the face by my abusive parents, I didn't really know how to react to the feeling of a hard dry hand connecting against my small frail face. Normally I would stand there and cry, believing that I'm worthless , but at the same time I'd wonder "What the heck did I do?" My parents sometimes beat my little brother but that was when he needed one but for me it seemed like my parents enjoyed the physical pain that they were both giving me.

November 2009.

"Sophia, come inside the kitchen now and wash all these plates," my mother shouted
"I'm coming mommy I'm just finishing up,"
I always wondered to myself why my mother would always send me to do all the house work when she was available, but I didn't bother arguing because I already knew how that would end. *slap*

I was washing the dishes when my dad came in from a long working hour and ordered me to get his food, no hello's or kisses. As I had to multitask I asked my little brother Tony to help bring my dad's food to the living room where only he and my mother are allowed to eat. My brother did as he was asked, no hesitation and I was grateful for that, but as he left the kitchen there was a clatter of noise.

I ran to the hallway where I saw my little brother standing , awe struck, I immediately thought "This is the death of me".
"Sophia did I not send you to get my food"
"Yes daddy, you did but I was so busy I asked Tony to help me", I answered
"Stupid girl get over here now"
*slap* *beat*

"I'm sorry I won't do it again" I cried, my dad spat at me while my mother carried Tony upstairs, I was left to clean up the mess. As an 8 year old I was oblivious to the danger of the glass shards on the ground, I knelt down to pick them up when one scraped my wrist , I shouted in pain but no one came to attend to my wounds.

The pain of the glass on my wrist felt so real, I scraped it on my arm again and I hardly flinched, it started to become very natural to me and I began to cut my self when times were rough. It brought great bliss to me and I didn't know if I could or would ever stop.

May 2015

My birthday is in a couple of months, I'm very excited, my parents should know what I want, haha, what am I saying
Do my fucking parents even remember my birthday let alone the month I was born? Lemme guess, no. What's the point in inhaling air when someone's trying to poison it?

I'll be starting third year this year, and guess what, my parents haven't payed for my school fees yet. I have no one or thing to turn to, I feel worthless. I am so worthless.

I had an issue last year where I was sent to social protection because my neighbour could've sworn he heard a little girl screaming "Help! Help!, I won't do it again I'm sorry!" and heavy continuous slaps afterwards, yeah my neighbour was definitely telling the truth but guess what, I had to deny it all and my parents stood there smiling and hugging me as if they did things like this to me.

I mouthed the words "Help me" but the women didn't understand and she mouthed something back. When I returned to that place I have to call home; I was locked up in my room without being served dinner. I was frustrated, had nothing to do, the blade was sitting on my desk and I couldn't stop my self from cutting and when my parents opened the door of my room the next day, I was covered in blood and was knocked out unconscious,

I could obviously see the sadness in both parents eyes but I wasn't going to be fooled that easily. When my parents saw me coming back to life I could see that they would rather have me dead than unconscious. My father rolled his eyes and my mother sighed heavily. In my whole entire life, this was the day I wish I were dead too.

A month passed and I hadn't dare bring up the self harm I did upon myself. My brother Tony had no idea I hurt myself, that when we were at the hospital he whispered into my ear and said
"Sophia, mom and dad said I should tell the doctors that you were playing with glass and we found you knocked out on your bed"
I looked at my brother in disgust and then at my parents who hadn't known that I had awaken from my miserable slumber
"Tony, you tell the doctors what your parents say" I hissed at my brother paused and he looked me in the eye with full concern.

"I know you cut yourself, it'll get better, I promise", he said squeezing my shoulder. I looked at Tony and gave him a small smile.

At the age of 16 you should realise the difference between, wrong and right, but it was different for me, I wasn't taught to be capable to succeed in life by my parents, which brought me down emotionally and I'll never forgive them for that.

But as you can see it was different for my brother; he was taught wrong is right and right is wrong and if you're ever asked to jump, you should fly. But my parents did teach me one thing in life if I'm being honest and that is to never love someone as much as I 'love' them.

"Miss Martins, how are you feeling now? "
I looked up at a man in a long white coat , green eyes and a speck of grey hair.
"Oh she's fine, aren't you Sophia?",my mother said, eyeing me sternly.

"Never better" I choked out.

All I wanted to do was cry out arrow shaped tears and flick them at my parents. Ugh huh!

..............................

A month has passed now and I'm finally starting school, hoping I'll make new friends on the way.

I woke up smiling like I was never going to smile again. I entered the bathroom and went into the shower, I noticed the many bruises and cuts on my wrist and arm, I felt so selfless and motionless just remembering how my parents hurt me and how I hurt myself.

After putting on my school uniform and a hoodie I was ready to go. I quickly braided my hair into two french plaits I left my house without saying goodbye.

I finally reached the school grounds and inhaled deeply whilst closing my eyes, listening to the chatter and laughter of other kids among me.

"Are you lost? " I heard a person say behind me , I turned around to see a tall boy with brown hair and green eyes staring at me
" Um.. well at the moment no, but I will be soon" I replied shrugging my shoulders.
"Oh well nice to meet you I'm Shawn" , he said.
"Sophia "I replied.
He looked me in the eyes once again and smiled goodbye without turning back. I felt self conscious , the first person to talk to me is already bored.Aye Sophia you need help.

Tell me ney or yay
Looking for inspiration going to try writing loads but time means money. Bye