Kid Doctor ~ Spencer Reid

Pill Support

"Reid?"
"Hmm?"
"We're trying to be open here. We've all talked about it, it's your turn."
"Oh, right.."

Hotch sighed quietly.

"You don't need to talk if you don't want to."
"I know. Just ask me the question."
"Have you contemplated suicide before?"

There was a small pause.

"Mmhm. Many times. I've tried it."

There was silence now and Reid just looked at his hands.

"Four times I've tried, and I can't even count the amount of times I've thought about it. It's.. It was a common thought in my head for a long time. It still is sometimes."
"You don't need to talk about it if you don't want to."
"I know. I know.. I just- I need to be more open."

Hotch silently nodded, letting Reid take his time.

"I.. I was six, the first time I tried it. My, um, my mom had overdosed on her drugs again. I thought it was a thing that we were doing, even if I was smart, I didn't know enough to not to copy my parents. When my dad was mad at my mom, I got mad at her. I-I left to walk to school that morning and when I came home my mom was on the floor.. She had her pill bottle in her hand.. She-She didn't remember it, I think it was an episode and she thought it was something else. I was stupid, and a kid, and my poor dad came home to see his wife and child on the living room floor overdosed on her sleeping pills. I didn't even understand what had happened when I woke up, but I remember that fading feeling. That feeling of quiet. I liked it."

Everyone was still quiet, silently listening. Part in horror.

"I was 13 the next time I tried it. I knew where-where to cut on my legs, I knew what I was doing. I.. I was close. I was so close. My hands were shaking too badly for me to cut in the right place, though, and I missed. My mom didn't see me for twenty minutes. I would have been dead if I hit where I wanted to. I was put in a mental facility when they saw other markings on my body and became concerned. When I was released two weeks later my mom didn't pick me up for three hours. I walked home after that. She forgot. I tried again a few weeks later when my mom hit me during an episode. My neighbor saw me on the roof and talked me down. He never told my mom about it. Didn't want to send me back to the facility. They knew I couldn't handle it there."
"Spencer.."

Morgan breathed, but the doctor barely looked up.

"I-I can stop, no one wants to hear me talk about my messed up-"
"Stop it, Reid. If you need to talk, we're here to listen. That's why this is all confidential."
"Off records? You won't fire me?"
"Of course not. Your personal matters are your personal matters. Besides, we aren't at the bureau. It's okay."

Spencer looked at Hotch thankfully.

"Okay.."
"Safe space."

Morgan assured, which caused Spencer to continue talking.

"I didn't try again for a long time. I was 19 the next time I did it. My mother was institutionalized and I was living alone in a small apartment in California, I had no friends, no family to talk to, my mom didn't take phone calls, I was completely alone."

Tears welled in his eyes and he didn't notice.

"I never actually had friends. I didn't have any, really, not since I was a small child. No one liked me. They-They still don't. I've never even been on a date. When most people are 16 they're celebrating and getting their driver's license and partying. I was graduating from college and close to getting my first PhD and making sure my mother was still alive when I came home. I guess that does things to a child."

He adjusted how he was sitting, nervous.

"I took pills that time. I made sure no one would be home at the apartment building, I knew how many I needed to take, I knew what time to take them, I followed it all. I didn't expect for my neighbor to come home early and hear me hit the ground. They called 911 and I lived."

He shrugged a little, finally looking up from his hands. He didn't know what to do now.

"I, um, I'm better now, though. I joined the bureau two years later and I've been working a lot more on myself. I have friends now, I have.. I have a reason to keep living. I have a good one."

Spencer looked at his teammates with a small nod, who all just kind of remained in silence. They didn't know how to react to this kind of thing. It didn't really happen, but then again, they knew almost nothing about Reid's life. He was quiet and didn't talk much about his life. He talked plenty on his own. It took him two years to mention to someone here that his mother wasn't of sound mind, and even then, he had to scream it at an unsub at a house to get the man to listen, admitting it in front of his friends. He hated it.

"I feel like I'm in an AA meeting."

He tried to lighten the mood a little.

"Can we please continue? You don't need to check on me, I've-I've been clean from genuine self harm for two years, seven months, two weeks, and four days. I keep track."

Hotch nodded, adjusting how he was sitting.

"Yes, of course. I'm proud of you, Spencer."
"What?"

Reid looked so incredibly confused at what he said.

"I'm proud of you."
"Why?"
"This is a difficult thing to talk about and you value your private life a lot. You didn't need to tell us any of this, yet you did. You trusted us."
"I've always trusted you. If I had to put my lives in someone's hands, it would be any of you. You guys are my family."

The BAU smiled, happier from the awful topic they were talking about. Reid trusted them. The man with trust issues and all sorts of privacy problems trusted them with his life. Reid just gave a small smile to them, nodding slightly.

"I trust you guys."