I Want What You Have - l.s

Chapter 4 - Louis

The second Louis' eyes catch the sight of Harry with another guy, he's practically running to get out of there. The image of Harry with that guy's hand on his arm is already burning into his memory and no matter the distance Louis tries to put between them, he can't outrun the mental picture. Louis can't even register where he's going, he just continues to weave through the crowd as his stupid heart continues to race. If he wasn't so consumed with Harry right now, he'd honestly be quite impressed with how fast he's managed to get away from the backstage area. Like, seriously, he could've broken fucking Olympic records or something with how fast he's speedwalking.

Louis finally makes it to the other side of the crowd and stumbles into the cool, wet grass away from the party. No one is paying attention to him as they continue to dance and laugh while music swirls around them. Even the drunk couples, who've escaped the crowd to go hook up, aren't within yelling distance. They're probably on the other side of the field, closer to the car park and the small grove of trees that line the fence of a nearby manor.

Pathetic. That's what Louis is. He can't believe he's let himself keep thinking of Harry in such an intimate manner. What it would be like to go find him backstage, back him into a dark corner where no one could see them before taking his hands and pressing a kiss onto his lips. How, at first, Harry would be surprised but after a second their chemistry would just take over and it would feel like they were drowning and flying at the same time. The feeling of wrapping his hands around Harry's waist and inching them beneath his shirt while Harry tangled his hands into Louis' hair. Louis' pretty sure that Harry is the only person he would ever let touch his hair.

Louis feels his eyes start to sting. He squats down in the grass to take a second to think. He'd sit but it's kinda wet and he doesn't want to get his pants all muddy. He can't cry. Not about this. Not when he has no right to. He doesn't know what he was even thinking getting so attached like this. Him and Harry are mates, just like they've been for the past thirteen years or so. What did he expect? Of course Harry is going to flirt with guys now! There's no reason for him not to.

Ugh. Louis wishes that Harry could just know without him having to say something. Life would be so much easier if everyone had some sort of signal that would go off when two people liked each other. Imagine how many relationships could've been but never took off, all because the two people involved were too scared to admit their feelings. An invention like that would probably make the world a better place to be quite honest.

Louis keeps thinking about Harry and that guy. He knows his name starts with a J or something but Louis' never been very good about remembering people's names when they've nothing to do with his life. Well, until now that is.

Louis had noticed J ogling Harry up onstage during the set. It had caused Louis to do a double-take because it'd made him realise he probably wore a similar look on his face, although hopefully without being as bloody obvious about it. Harry had locked eyes with J a couple of times, but he'd also stared at Louis for a lot longer so Louis hadn't really made such a note of it.

Ugh, of course it would make sense that Harry would look at Louis longer but have it not mean anything! HARRY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE FUCKING NOT-STRAIGHT YOU FUCKING TWAT! What else is he supposed to do? Have a secret crush on you just because you haven't been able to get him out of your head since he came out to all your friends?

Yes.

It would make it a hell of a lot easier at least if that was the answer.

But alas, life is oh-so-complicated and it doesn't work like that.

Louis would like to think that he'll hopefully have the courage to tell Harry how he really feels one day. He had been thinking about doing it tonight when Harry had slept over. Of course that was when tonight was still a far-away thought. Now that he is actually at the party, he knows that he would never be able to say anything. Honestly he really can't imagine that day coming soon. He's barely confident in who he is right now, how the hell is he supposed to have the courage to come out when he doesn't even know what he would come out as?