If I had one word to describe my father, that word would be; absent.
I never knew him. He had chances to meet me handed to him on a silver platter. Still, nothing. He made me choose at one point between him and my grandmother, in my little mind then, I didn't want to know someone who made me choose, so I chose grandma. Till this day, I have no regrets of doing so.
I wanted to meet my father, I even intended to reach out to him when I was 18, maybe a little older. Just whenever I was ready. But, I wasn't ready to meet him, let alone say goodbye, not yet anyways. But that's how it ended up being. The first hello was also the last goodbye.
Sitting at the funeral yesterday listening to the preacher talk, hearing him say we'll always have the memories... We'll always have the love in our hearts. But there's only one issue, I didn't know him, there's no memories there. And I can't love someone I never met.
I've heard so much about him. Mostly bad, but some good. The good things I've heard came from one person mainly, mom. What she told me I've always held close to heart, but with doing that I've always wondered why he could be there for my sisters but not me.
So many people didn't even realize he had a daughter, even people who claimed to be friends of his. They had no idea. Which I guess isn't too surprising on my part, from knowing what I know.
I never got the chance to say bye, let alone say what I wanted to... I hoped like hell my father would remain stubborn till I got the chance to say what I needed to.
If I could tell him what I wanted to say, this would be it;
My biggest question is, why. Why keep me a secret for 16, almost 17 years. Why didn't you want anything to do with me? Are you just that cold? Or is there more to it? Why didn't you stay? Why make me choose? You and I could have had a relationship. I always wondered what you'd be like. And maybe I'm just naive and want to believe just the good parts, what few there are. But I also know the bad. And I acknowledge now that maybe you're not what I thought you'd be. If you were anything I'd hoped you'd be. I never expected this to happen, it was so sudden. And I'm so, so sorry you had to die in such a crap way. Especially knowing it could have been stopped.
I'd say I was sorry you missed out, but truth be told, I'm not. You chose to walk away. And now I've got a pretty cool dad. I mean, any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. Now, with the more I know, even if it may not be everything, it was probably for the best I never knew you while I was a child. I may sound heartless, but I doubt I'm nearly as heartless as you were.
If you could see me now, would you be proud? If you could see me now, would you turn and just walk away and act like you have no idea who I am. What would you have done? There's so many questions I have, I now will never have answers to. And I think above all, that gets to me the most. Because I'll never know. I won't know the answers. I won't know how you were. I won't know anything other than what I'm told about you...
But the blame isn't on me, its on you. I didn't make your decisions. Even if you weren't the best person, I do hope you rest in piece.
