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18

the long awaited chapter!!

author's pov:

the growing silence made the atmosphere almost toxic. a sudden confession isn't something that happens everyday. was it even considered a confession? john feels his breath hitch in his throat, words struggling to form. the silence has never been so loud.

"you know, it would make me feel better if you said something." alexander says, trying to act as nonchalant as he can.

their eyes were still locked with each other, john quickly averts his gaze. he hears alex sigh and start up the car. all they could hear now was each other's thumping heart beats and their heavy, ragged breathing. alex reaches to turn on the radio and cranks it to 15. 

he's trying to drown out the silence. john thinks to himself. it's not going to work, idiot.  The lyrics blasted in the car as alexander starts pulling the car out of the burger king parking lot. john, still being hyper aware of alexander's breathing noises, tries to focus on the song. 

if you like your coffee hot, let me be your coffee pot

you call the shots babe, i just wanna be yours. 

john shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

secrets i have held in my heart are harder to hide than i thought

maybe i just wanna be yours , i wanna be yours

the bass and background vocals pulls john into a melodic trance. he finds himself drowning in the lyrics. he glances at alexander. john sees that he's gripping the steering wheel a lot harder than necessary. the outlines and traces of his veins were still visible, even in the nighttime. john catches himself staring, his cheeks begin to feel hot. alexander feels john's gaze on him but he doesn't dare meet his eyes. as the song began to end, another started up. the steady bass made alexander's car buzz a bit. lyrics came pouring in, john hears the drum beat in his heart. 

do i wanna know?

if this feeling flows both ways

sad to see you go

was sorta hoping that you'd stay

baby we both know

that the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day..

the lyrics feel like a direct attack to alexander. he quickly turns the radio off in annoyance and fear. fear that john would be able to pick apart his thinking process. john somehow knows how to read him too well. it's terrifying to alexander. john looks confused on why he abruptly turned off such a banger. his throat grows dryer and dryer by the second, john tries to choke out a sentence to at least ease the tension. 

"that's a good song, isn't it?" john says.

 john's voice was scratchy and awkward. alex internally rolls his eyes. there was no point to speak now, john missed his chance already. alexander tries to come up with a reply, carefully forming words before he opens his mouth. he can't afford to step over the boundaries now.

"..i can turn it back on if you'd like. do you want me to?" he turns his head to look at john who was gripping the sides of the car seat. john squirms under his gaze.

"yes." john sounds unsure and awkward. 

he cranks the volume up to 12. john's face falls as he realizes the song has already ended while alexander internally cheers. john releases a breath he didn't know he was holding and turns his head to look out the window. the car reaches a red light, alexander sees the red hue reflect onto john's face. his whole car was basking in red now. this whole day seemed pretty surreal to alexander, he certainly didn't think that the night was going to end this way. he tries to speak again but no words come to mind. john fills in the silence before him yet again. 

"what did you mean?" john blurts out. alexander looks at him quizzingly. 

"mean what?" 

john feels his heart rate begin to pick up again. john sweeps his hair out of his face, a habit he does when he's nervous. was it alright to talk about such things? was he crossing the line he and alexander had? was there even a line in the first place?

"you know.. the joke thing," john breathes in shakily, "the thing you said when we left burger king?" alexander squeezes the steering wheel impossibly tighter. 

"well, we can just pretend i never said that." alexander says coldly. "you acted like i never said anything, why do you care now?" it comes out harsher than alexander intends. john grows rigid.

"do you expect me to be able to respond to such thing? we eat at a fast food restaurant and suddenly you drop a confession on me?" his voice goes up an octave. alexander keeps his eyes on the road. john sighs. 

"you can't blame me for not knowing how i feel about you at the moment." john chokes out. alexander tenses. he feels his hairs on the back of his neck rise. what was that supposed to mean? he tries to remain calm and collected. alexander drags a shallow breath in.

"listen, you could've at least said something." alexander's voice breaks a little. john picks up on the hurt tone in his voice. john shifts a little in his seat and clears his throat. the street grows quiet just like them. 

"you know what? just drop it. we can forget about it since you want to act that way." alexander's voice cuts through the silence. john eyes him carefully. he can see the street lights and lamps reflecting into alexander's glossy eyes. the rest of the car ride is suffocatingly silent. john's apartment comes into view. alexander parks and sighs. john gets out the car as quickly as he can. 

"bye." alexander chokes out, not even looking in john's direction. john presses his lips in a tight line and nods. alexander looks up to the sound of a door creaking open. john went inside already. he glances at the now empty passenger seat where john once was and starts up the car again. there was nothing on his mind except john, it was aggravatingly painful. 

john just couldn't bring himself to say goodbye for some reason. 

a/n: LOLL HOW WE FEELIN AFTER THIS? (comments are greatly appreciated! <3)