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20

AUTHOR'S POV:

alexander's vibrant phone screen illuminates his face. he lets out a shaky breath and shuts off his phone for the night. all he can hear is his own breathing, the eerily quiet night contributes almost no noise except for an occasional beep of a car. alexander looks towards his window and slowly crawls out of bed. a rush of wind hits his face and he scowls. the bright lights of the city seem dimmer than usual, it somehow lost it's glimmer. lately, alexander has been unmotivated. the world around him grew quiet and grey. the silence he once thought was his friend has grown to be his captor. he has been scrolling through twitter, he's seen the multiple tweets that ask where he has went, or why he's been so quiet. he's even seen some asking where john has went as well. a pang goes to alexander's heart.

john..

he quickly shakes his head and tries to avoid all thoughts about him. alexander was still so confused on his feelings, it blossomed seemingly out of nowhere. john made him feel fuzzy, he made him feel happy. there was always a positive aura around john. the fuzziness grew slowly but surely. dreams of tan skin and constellations of freckles plagued his mind at night, harsh blushes and soft fingertips made alexander yearn and reach out. he wanted a long and loving friendship with john but he screwed it all up when a poorly prepared confession flew past his lips. he didn't know what to expect honestly, he did it out of recklessness. john is an enticing person, alexander is absolutely infatuated with him. soft curls, dimpled grins, and twinkling eyes. alexander looks over john's flaws like an airbrush filter, smoothing out and erasing imperfections.

"fuck," alexander breathes out. he's fallen in love, hasn't he? how could he not? john's caring, compassionate, and fun to be around. alexander would give anything and everything to spend the rest of his free time right by john's side. he loves him, and with that epiphany comes with a pit forming in his stomach.

he turns on his phone again in a moment of weakness. alex reads over his and john's messages again and again until his eyes grow tired and irritated. there was something so taunting about the grey and blue text messages that are on his way-too-bright phone screen. another wave of pure want washes over alexander.

"i fucked up," he mutters, "i fucked up badly." the pit in his stomach grew and formed into some bottomless pit you would get swallowed in. he's aware about the problem he's just caused between him and john, dread was the only thing he could feel other than his beating heart. he puts an arm on his face and thinks about the other boy. his hair, his hands, his laugh, and his smile. everything about him was so utterly lovely. he made alex feel so alive, and maybe that's why alex wants him so bad.

alexander opens his notes app, something that he considers free therapy, and starts a new note.

  i love him because he makes me happy. and i just destroyed the thing that makes me the most happy right now, he types, i wish i wasn't so confident and so upfront with it. i scared him away. i scared you away. why can't i slow down for once? if i waited, would have you say yes? what if it wasn't a no, but instead a "not right now" or "give me time"? i'm impatient, john. but i'll try to be patient for you. because i love you. i love you more than i love myself. you make me feel like a real human being, you make me love the idea of life. alex's thumbs pause over the keyboard for a second.

will we ever get to love each other properly?

alex stops typing and shuts off his phone for good. he lets out a strained breath, mind still preoccupied with a certain curly haired boy to be able to think clearly. he breathes out in defeat and pulls the cover over his head before sinking into a dreamless sleep.

a/n: i started this book in sixth grade, and now i'm going into ninth grade. i'm so grateful for the encouraging and funny comments you all leave me, but i am no longer interesting in hamilton anymore. this book was so fun to write, but it'll be coming into an end pretty soon. i'll finish this story, don't worry! it has a happy ending as well! :) comments are greatly appreciated, they make my day! so comment please <3