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19

JOHN:

love and hate are very strong words, yet the line between them is getting so thin nowadays. it's been awhile since i last talked to alexander. or anyone in fact. i've grown quiet on social media as well. there's a part of me that got left in alexander's car a few nights ago. i shouldn't be feeling this way, it's black or white. i either hate him or i love him. the second statement is almost unreal to me, how could he take such a toll on me? i should've said something, anything would work. my chance was missed, wasn't it?

i finally sit up from my bed and stretch, i yawn as i grab my phone. there are multiple notifications from twitter and some occasional ones from youtube. my finger hovers over the iMessage icon, hesitation filling me. however, i fall weak and give in. iMessage loads. the top contact was the group chat i'm in with lafayette, hercules, and alexander. the second contact was alexander. i hesitate again. my finger taps on the contact accidentally. for a slight moment, i panic. there was not much to talk about with him, he told me to forget about it. trust me, i've been trying to hard to erase what happened but it always comes back to me. in a way, i hate him. angry and impulsive thoughts plague my mind, my self-control ceases as i start typing.

alex 😽

are you up?

i click send, a ripple of shame shoots through my body. the apartment was dead silent, the only audible sound was the clock ticking and my heavy breathing. the blue message shined and burned my eyes a bit, like it was taunting me. i go to shut my phone off, it was late in the night. the notification sound goes off, my heart stops. suddenly, the room temperature drops by at least 16.

alex 😽

are you up?
read 12:12

yes.
is everything ok?

i chew on my fingernails a bit as i stare at the message. my fingers move without command. words form and soon enough, i press send. another wave of shame and embarrassment burns my body. the clothes i'm wearing stick to my skin, my hands are shaking.

alex 😽

everything is fine
i've just been feeling a bit cold
you're taking quite the toll on me.

thought we agreed to not speak about it lol

i never said anything about agreeing.

my heart was beating incredibly loud, it was going a thousand miles per hour and it has no intention of slowing down. it's his fault that i'm so confused. it's his fault that things are so awkward now. he's crossing my line and stepping on it over and over again.

alex 😽

do you want me to be upfront to you?

i stare at my phone screen alarmed. he's really testing me, isn't he? my fingers type a response.

of course :/

sometimes, you don't escape my mind. you're plaguing me with a whole variety of thoughts. i've been trying to distract myself so i don't think about you and me, but no matter how hard i try my thoughts always come back to you. i cant hide nor fight it, i really like you. a lot. couldn't help but feel a bit hurt that you didn't say anything, it was like you didn't care enough. i interpreted it into something toxic and i'm sorry. i know that you're confused about me, and that's why you deserve someone better. i know for a fact that you'll be better off with someone new. i just don't want to be alone for now, as selfish as it may seem. and you didn't even say goodbye. this whole message seems whiny and childish, immature if you'd say, doesn't it? but you know, you hurt me. it hurts how much i want you to want me back. don't get me wrong, it's fine if you can't reciprocate these feelings back but you could've at least said something.

i stare in disbelief, disbelief that he's trying to paint me as the bad guy here. it's not my fault that i'm still trying to figure out my feelings for him. now, it's my turn to be angry.

you're being awfully selfish and inconsiderate.
in a way, i hate you. 
i hate that you make me feel things i thought i was incapable of feeling

do you love me or hate me?

i wish i knew.
i hate that you love me
i hate that i know you love me.
i hate that i KNOW i love you too
and i just hate that i love you.

then what are you afraid of?
are you afraid of me?

i'm afraid of how little i understand about love
i don't want this yet.

then i guess i'll just wait

i wish you could understand how much i'm still trying to figure out

you're scared of me, aren't you?

interpret it any way you'd like
but i really don't know anymore
i seriously don't know.
read 12:26

i sigh and shut off my phone. my mind feels fried and desperate, desperate for any answer i can grasp. as much as i hate him right now, i know how much love i'm capable of giving him. my concept of what love is is broken and abstract. i'm still so young, i guess alexander's right, i'm scared. i'm scared that this shit i'm feeling isn't really love. obsession, reliance, or admiration are things that could possibly be what i'm truly feeling. the mere thought of it makes my stomach churn. my thoughts begin to drift and dissipate as my eyelids feel heavier and heavier. i fall into a deep dream-like state.