Second Bite of the Apple

Chapter 42: Diamond in the Rough

Chapter 42: Diamond in the Rough

When I emerged fron the jewellers about 45 minutes later, I couldn't help but let a little smile creep across my lips. It finally felt like I had taken control of the chaos that had rapidly become my life. I wanted this woman in my life and she needed to accept that. Something told me she wasn't used to people sticking around when the going got tough. I don't blame her,  I know the feeling. I know the feeling all too well. Nobody had ever been there for me, but I could be there for her. I'd spent too long living in the shadows, getting by every day without having any idea what it was I was actually doing it for. I'd go to sleep every night dreading waking up the next morning because the days were just as bad as the nights. The nightmare was never ending.

Now, there was a glimmer of light. Just enough to break through the cracks in my porcelain complexion. There was hope that somehow this would all be worth it. All the pain and the suffering would be forgotten and I could have a fresh start with Laura. We could have our own family together. I knew she'd look after me and I hoped somehow I could look after her and the little one she was now carrying. I had to be honest, I was terrified. Who wouldn't be in my position though? Then again, how I was feeling must be nothing compared to how Laura felt right now. I hoped Karen was taking good care of her, just until I could get back and convince her that she doesn't need to be alone. Neither of us ever have to be alone again. But stronger than fear was that little ray of hope that had ignited inside me. If this all went to plan then I could potentially be a mother in 8 or so months time. Maybe not biologically, but in spirit I would be. 

I took more time walking back from town than I had heading down there. This time when I reached the crossroads I turned left instead of going straight on. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be sitting in classrooms with a bunch of immature teenagers. I'm 18, I'm not a child any more. I headed down the side street on my right and along the cobbled back alley. The ground was uneven beneath my feet and small, withered weeds were escaping from the cracks. It was so quiet down here even though it was barely a mile from the bustle of the town centre. I've always felt more at peace with nature than I have around people. I tried to take in every detail, I didn't want to forget a thing about this day. It could well be the day that changed the rest of my life.

It's not until you start listening, and I mean really listening, that you realise just how loud the world is. John Cage's piece 4'33" briefly crossed my mind. It's a bit of a joke, especially among musicians, but when you think about it he had a point. We are all happy to invest in music, yet we never take the time to sit and listen to the sounds around us. My footsteps for instance were creating the pulse; that underlying driving beat that holds everything together. I could feel my heart in my chest too, almost in sync with my steps, but not quite. I quickened my pace a little, trying to keep time. I could hear a faint drone in the background - a drill perhaps, or maybe a lawnmover. That was the bass providing a tonic pedal over which the rest of the trivial reverbations of daily life orchestrated themselves. A bird somewhere high above my head was whistling a descant melody, it was fragile and delicate, barely audible to the rest of the world rushing by in the main street. As I meandered through the endless tunnel of crumbling brick I started to tap out a rhythm, my fingers drumming absent-mindedly against the perfect cuban box in my pocket. I wanted to get it out again and take a look. I knew I shouldn't but it was almost as though the ring itself was calling out to me, part of the music building up within my mind.

I stopped dead and reclined against the decaying wall behind me. Gently I removed the box from my pocket, leaving it resting on the flattened palm of my hand. I pictured myself opening it infront of Laura. I desperately wanted to picture her face lighting up in a mixture of delight and surprise but sadly I couldn't erase our last confrontation from my mind. She was angry and must already be in shock as it is, but I'd never seen her so cold or uncaring. Had the last few months really meant nothing to her at all? Was I really that insignificant? I wanted to say "no", but how could I be sure. So many others have come and gone in the past. Using me for whatever they desire and then just leaving me out with the waste like I'm just disposable. Maybe I am. People move on. That's life. I had to tell myself I was wrong though. I couldn't talk myself out of this. Not now. Not now I'd come this far.

The dingy alleyway finally opened out into an open green enclosed with trees and hedging. I used to come here as a girl. The park never appealed to me. It was always full of families and children playing together on the slide. They looked so happy. I'd watch them sometimes but usually got bored quickly. I wondered how they didn't get bored like me. No sooner had they whizzed down the slide would they be scrambling back up those steps to go all over again. Surely the novelty wore off after once or twice? But no, over and over again they would shriek in delight as they slid back towards the ground. I'd give anything to be that age again. Young and carefree. At least, that's how it seems. I wouldn't know, I barely remember any of my childhood and of the few things I do remember, a lot of that I wish I didn't.

None of that matters now though, I'm not a child anymore. One thing I can guarantee is that I will give that little baby everything. I may not have much money and I may not be very old but I will do whatever I can. I will love the both of them forever and a day if they'll let me.

What if she doesn't want me though? Nobody else every has. So why would she? She could have anyone she wanted. A woman like that would never look twice at a girl like me, nobody would. She deserves somebody who can put a roof over her head, pay the bills, be there to cook her dinner when she gets home from work and hold her close at night whilst she sleeps. She deserves everything I've always wanted. What do I really have to offer her? I'm still a child underneath, trying to live in an adult world. I just can't compete.

A tinkling giggle pulled my mind back to the present. A cute blonde girl was running around nearby, she had little purple ribbons in her hair and sparkles all over her shoes. Her little cheeks were flushed but the thing that stood out the most was just how happy she was. Several paces behind, her mother was jogging along to keep up. She too was pink in the face but the smile she was was identical to that of her daughter's. It was the most perfect sight.

It was everything I had ever wanted, right there in front of me. It was everything I never thought I'd get to have. I'm not the sort of girl you take home to meet the parents, I'm not the sort that you settle down and start a family with. I don't even know if I'd be a good mum, but I know I want to try. I could have all of that, I just had to reach out to Laura and make it mine. I had to make her mine.

I felt a drop of water hit the back of my hand and looked up expecting to see the skies clouding over, but the sun was still streaming and not a cloud was in sight. I realised that it was a tear falling from my eye. I'd always pushed the thought of children away. Maternal thoughts always ended up with me in dangerous situations because of stupid, reckless behaviour. I knew it would never happen for me again. At least I always thought it never would...