Second Bite of the Apple

Chapter 7: Addicted To You

Chapter 7: Addicted To You

I awoke with a start, my breathing fast and shallow, and sat bolt upright. I reached up to push my fringe off of my face and realised my forehead (and in fact, my whole body) was dripping with sweat. Not only that, but I was shaking. Even now awake, the memories were just as vivid. The only difference being that when I'm asleep, I can't block them out.

I rolled over and checked my alarm. 4:21am. I dared not go back to sleep for fear of having to live through that night all over again. Once a night was too much as it is. I used to stay awake at night to stop it happening but once I realised I'd have to sleep eventually and started falling asleep at school instead, I just gave in. Now pretty much every night I'm forced to relive the night that destroyed the person I used to and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I sat there staring at the clock as each minute passed. By 4:37am I couldn't take it anymore. I wrenched myself from the sheets and headed for the bathroom. The warm water cascading over my skin in the shower was almost enough to wash away all the guilt and the fear. I could have stayed here forever, where nobody could get to me. After a considerable amount of time, the water started to run cold and it wasn't until I reached out to turn the tap off I realised my skin had shrivelled up like a prune.

Once back in my room, I decided I may as well just take my time getting ready and then head into school early. Anything had to be better than being stuck here. I spent a long time straightening my hair until it hung perfectly around my face, the layers just skimming my cheek bone. Dark kohl and liquid eyeliner were used to frame my eyes, whilst a crimson tint accentuated my rosy lips. Deciding yesterday's outfit was a little bit frigid, I decided to sway for something a little more risqué. After a bit of rooting around, I found the perfect thing. Ten minutes later I had a gothic style black dress on - the lace bodice was corset fitted, subtly amplifying my chest, whilst the chiffon skirt fell gracefully around my thighs. Paired with some thigh highs and leather ankle boots, my look screamed grunge.

By the time I headed out the front door, it was just after half past six. That meant I wouldn't be at school until after 7am which wasn't too bad. My iPod seemed to have settled for Paloma Faith this morning - 'Do You Want The Truth Or Something Beautiful?' - and strangely I found myself debating the question. I think I'd rather know, no matter how much the truth hurt.

The good thing about arriving at school early is I don't have to deal with Mrs Stanford or whatever lesser evil is patrolling the gates. I wandered in at about 7:10am, headphones still in and music still playing. I knew the music department wouldn't be unlocked as Mrs Darby doesn't arrive at school until 8am so thought I would take advantage of the warmer weather and sit and revise under the oak. By the time people started arriving I had already finished the rest of the chapter on addiction and had made a start on the relationships chapter. By the time 8:30am came and I'd decided I should head up to the main building so I wasn't late for registration, I had already got through the basics of that chapter too.

After registration I made my way to the psychology rooms for the first lesson of the term. Time to put all that revision to the test. Like most teachers had in their lessons, Dr Lawson also started with a brief overview of the course for the year. Again, I found I was already very well informed of what was expected of me.

"Now on to addiction." Dr Lawson clapped his hands together with far too much enthusiasm. "We won't do anything too taxing today, I just thought we could have a bit of fun with it."

These words were greeted with a painful scraping of chair legs. Everybody turned around to see Matt on his feet.

"Matthew please sit down so I can continue," Dr Lawson requested calmly.

"I thought choo said we was gonna 'ave some fun," Matt's speech was slurred and his eyes unfocused. "Don't need none of dis crap, drugs rule, end of lesson."

Matt stumbled to the door, fumbled with the handle and then disappeared. Dr Lawson made no attempt to stop him, probably sensing that if he wanted to make any head way with this subject today then having Matt in the lesson was not beneficial.

I couldn't believe Matt was drunk at 9am in school. He wasn't even trying to hide it. This was quite a stunt even by his standards. Did he want to get kicked out or worse, arrested? What an idiot.

The rest of the lesson was a lot more relaxed and passed without anymore dramatic outbursts. We spent the hour talking about exactly what we thought an addiction was, what you can be addicted to, and most interestingly what causes it. I couldn't help but think of Matt. He was clearly an addict and needed help, not that he would ever admit it. Once again I was left pondering what had driven Matt to substance abuse, and what made him unable to stop. Maybe, just like me, he had unwanted memories he wanted to erase. Or at least block out.

When I tried to bring up the subject with Ethan at break, he seemed to avoid giving me any direct answers. I couldn't help but think he was hiding something from me.

By the time music came around an hour later, Matt thankfully seemed to have sobered up a little. Or at least had got better at hiding it. He slumped back in his seat and assumed his usual position of staring into space. Miss Foster started handing out worksheets to the front desks for us to pass back.

"Right, so I thought we'd start off with a bit of a performance project before we get down to the set works and technical stuff, which will hopefully help me get to know you all a little better too. Now I need you all in pairs so - "

The scuffling of everybody moving to get next to their friends and separate off drowned out the rest of Miss Foster's words. I, on the other hand, hadn't so much has blinked. Nobody in here would be in any rush to work with me.

"Well I do admire you're enthusiasm, but please settle down so I can get through the details as quickly as possible."

She proceeded to quickly run through the points on the sheet which explained everything we'd need to know. I skimmed through it quickly and then just focused on the sound of her voice reading each line.

"Okay, now I'm going to let you all go. You have the entire department at your mercy as well as any of the study facilities throughout the school. Next lesson I want to see substantial progress, so do not take this as a free lesson and think you can get it all done last minute!" despite the finality of the tone in her voice, I knew everybody would be treating this as a free.

As expected, when dismissed, everybody headed immediately for the exit and left the music department without so much as a backwards glance. Miss Foster's naïvety showed just how much she still had to learn here as guaranteed everybody was now on their way into town for an early lunch. The only two people still left in their seats were me and Matt. I actually got the impression that Matt wasn't even aware that everybody had left.

"Oh, I guess that just leaves you two then," her feigned enthusiasm could not cover up the awkwardness that hung in the air. "Sian, I hope you don't mind?" her expression was genuinely apologetic.

"No, no, of course not," I muttered hurriedly turning towards Matt. He was still staring into oblivion.

I made my way towards him and pulled him from his seat by the crook of his elbow.

"Come on" I hissed in his ear, then plastered on a fake smile to see us out of the door.

I half supported, half dragged Matt into the nearest practice room and then pushed him onto the piano stool. For a moment, he sat there lifelessly, and then he looked up at me, a questioning look on his face.

"You can leave," I told him.

His expression didn't change, nor did he make any attempts to move from his perch. I turned my back to him and started searching my bag for a pen. Part of me kind of hoped that when I looked up he would be gone. It would save us both from the painful experience of working together, and if I'm honest, I'm scared he'll jeopardise my project. This is my chance to show Miss Foster that I can be somebody.

I heard a shift of movement behind me and turned expecting to see Matt heading out the door. Instead he was standing directly behind me, a pen held out in his hand.

"I want to stay," he said blankly and handed me the pen.