Second Bite of the Apple

Chapter 43: Not Now

Chapter 43: Not Now

I couldn't break, not now.

I didn't go through all of this to give up. If anything, this was my one reason to carry on. I had spent a very long time in a dark place. So many people had tried to hand me a rope, trying desperately to give me something to cling to; a reason to hold on. Yet all I'd ever seemed to do was take their rope and use it to tie myself a noose. I didn't want help, I didn't see the point. I had already lost everything and hit rock bottom. Now I had found something though, Laura and that little baby were the first few rungs on the ladder, heading out of the dark and towards the light.  I knew that I had to cling to them both with every bit of strength I had. As much as I wanted my own future, I knew this was my best shot. I just had to get this one thing right...

How on earth do you convince a successful woman with her own house and career that what she really wants and needs is an eighteen year old student who hasn't even passed her A Levels yet? She was so cold and angry, how do I melt her icy heart and break down the walls she has built. I knew that the minute I walked back through those gates I would get caught up in daily life and any hope of romance would quickly evaporate. I wanted something neutral for us both though, something that symbolized a new future together. Neither mine nor hers, but both of ours, shared with the little life inside of her. 

I glanced around, taking in the wide open spaces and pendulous willow trees lining the vast greenery beyond. The sun broke through the shallow cloud, dowsing the scene in a spectacular silvery light. The little blonde girl I had noticed earlier was still stumbling around a few paces ahead of her blotchy-faced mother, the sun reflected off of her golden hair and untarnished skin, highlighting the unfaltering smile etched upon her face. I lifted my hand to shield my face, gazing out across the landscape, searching for anything, something to show me the right direction. I'm just a girl, I never thought I would ever be asking anybody to marry me. Let alone someone so perfect and so soon.

I headed out away from the hustle and bustle of parents and their toddlers and towards the willow trees. Hidden under their shadow, I was almost invisible to the passing world. Not that anybody every spared me a thought or a glance anyway. I was invisible to them, to everyone apart from Laura. The park was soon left behind, leaving just rolling fields with wild floral trimmings. It was so secluded. Natural, hidden and perfect. I was completely alone out here. All that was missing was Laura. This was it. Right here, right now.

It had to be now. Before Laura had the chance to pull even further away or do anything stupid, I had to tell her how  I felt. I had to convince her that together we could make this work. I sunk onto the crisp grass beneath me, hidden beneath the shadow of a particularly oversized willow tree and surrounded by cornflower and some other small white flowering plant. I pulled my phone from my pocket, and in doing so caused the tiny black box to tumble on to the grass beside me. I couldn't resist, I had to take a look.

No! Not now. I had to get Laura here first. Without her, this was all for nothing. My fingers trembled slightly as I picked up the little cube though, almost as though they could sense what was inside or what I was about to do. Adhering to the plan, I traded the ring box for my phone and opened my messages. Words, that's what I needed. What did I say though? One wrong word and I could send Laura running, she would realised something was going on and never leave the safety of the school. I couldn't risk that.

Me: I need to see you. If you want an escape, then message me. I have the perfect hideaway. It can just be me and you for an afternoon, and we don't have to think about any of this xx

I wasn't sure whether or not to expect a reply from Laura, but I had to remain positive and hope for the best. Hope was all I had right now. Every minute that dragged by felt more like an hour. I was certain that evening must be just around the corner. I must have been sitting here at least two hours. I checked the time on my phone. Only 7 minutes had passed. That had to be a joke!

Several more minutes passed by. I picked at the grass, severing the heads off of a couple of daisies in the process. I selected a particularly large, almost perfectly symmetrical flower and began to pluck at the individual petals. 

"She'll say yes," I muttered under my breath. "She'll say no."

I alternated between the two responses as I tore the pure white petals from the golden centre. Just one remained when my phone vibrated violently against my leg. I opened my messages to reveal one word from Laura.

Laura: Where?

I exhaled with relief.  Thank God. So far so good. At least she wasn't still ignoring me. There was hope now, there had to be. I scrambled in the grass for the remnants of the daisy I had dropped in surprise. As I pulled the final petal from it's crown the rest of my life flashed before my eyes.

Sliding the delicate jewelled band onto Laura's slender musician finger. Gazing deep into her eyes, seeing the love, the passion and that hint of surprise. I wanted to prove to her that I wasn't just a little girl, I was a woman and ready to dedicate my life to her. I imagined holding on to Laura's hand as she had her first ultrasound, seeing those tiny white blips in amongst a sea of black dancing around on the screen, that little life inside of her. Hearing that heart beat, the rhythm of the future, of two hearts beating as one. A few months pass, and those little dots start to form; suddenly there's a little face, arms, legs. Our little baby kicking away, waiting to meet Laura and me. I was terrified, but more than that, I was so excited. I couldn't wait to watch Laura grow, and to have my fingers crushed as I stood by her in labour.  I had no idea how she would cope, but surely it had to be better with somebody by her side than alone.

"She'll say yes," I whispered finally.

I grabbed my phone passionately and opened my messages.

Me: Meet me on the far side of West Park beneath the willows. I'll be waiting xx

I locked my phone and flopped back onto the grass. There was nothing left to do now but wait...