Recruit

Chapter 31: Pull

You walk out into the seating area from the cockpit with your helmet under your arm. You're pretty sure they all just heard everything, but only Kuruk saw your determination, the pull your feeling, the plan you shared. You won't be able to focus on anything until you reach the source of the pull on your shadow.

Looking around at the men sitting, you go straight to Trudgen, pressing your thigh against his and leaning on his shoulder as you sit down next to him. He doesn't push you off, but you can feel he's not happy.

"Trudgen."

"Hm."

"I'm sorry if I hurt you... For everything."

"I can't really fault you, Ducky. You didn't do anything any of us wouldn't do in a similar situation. And for the gym..." he looks down at you with a little smirk on his face. "That was...you looked..." he sighs, and you smile up at him. "I'm not mad."

You wrap your arm around his stomach, pulling yourself to him in a half hug. He just wraps his arm around your shoulder.

"This is going to be difficult for you." he mumbles into your hair.

Well, this is it... You untangle yourself and stand up after a quick swipe of the silver on your helmet in the chair. You feel all eyes on you. And you have to take a few deep breaths and swallow twice before you can speak without a shaking voice.

"Kylo knows. He knows you mean to kill him. He's ready for it. He understands your allegiance has changed..." you look around at raised eyebrows and frowns. "No, I didn't tell him... But he's also convinced that I am not following in your footsteps."

"Because you aren't." Ap'lek says under his breath.

Your heart aches in preparation for your next words, so you ignore Ap'lek. He'll see. They'll all see. And they can feel your grief now. "I have to kill him. It has to be me. And I have to do it alone. It's the only way he doesn't kill any of you. I can't-" your voice cracks, "-I can't lose any of you."

A few tears leave your eyes, as much as you try to hold them in. "He's calling for me. Now, he's pulling me toward him. I have to go."

"He'll see your intentions." Vicrul speaks quietly behind you.

You turn around to look at his concerned expression, shaking your head. "I can keep him out now. I know I can. And even if I can't, my emotions and thoughts will be so..." a sob escapes, "so much. Complicated."

"I don't like this." Ap'lek crosses his arms over his chest.

"Don't you see?!" your voice cracks with the sudden increase in volume. "He no longer has the Ren, but his strength has grown exponentially. He'll kill at least one of you. Even if you kill him in the end. If someone has to die, it's only going to be one person. Please, Ap'lek! I can do it. I know what I want most."

He gives you one tiny nod. Which is all you need. The others will follow. Your heart is splitting in so many pieces, one for each man you love. They just sit there watching you fall apart, your hands trembling and tears streaming down your face. You've been dealt a shitty hand in life. And the first time you find yourself some good cards, it gets ripped out of your hands before you can even reap the reward.

Vicrul's hand comes to rest on your back. You wipe your eyes with the back of your gloved hands. "I'm okay." You look around at the five knights, your lungs struggling and heart shattering. "I love you all so much. I wish I would have found you sooner. I never thought I'd ever leave Corellia or find anyone that I enjoy being around..."

You can't say anything more, and you turn to bury your face in Vicrul's chest. You let yourself fall apart for just a few moments, because you feel it. You're almost there. Getting nearer to the source of the pull on your heart, mind, and soul. He's waiting for you. He needs you.