Calamity

Progress

‼️TW: TALK OF SELF LOATHING AND SELF HARM‼️

Spencer took the past three days off. He's been hanging around watching movies and tv shows with you. He kept his promise, he hasn't asked any questions about your feelings or anything. It's mostly "What do you want for dinner?" or "The Office or Jane the Virgin?" You won't lie, having him around has made you feel a little better. He's warm and sweet which is what you need right now. You still aren't comfortable with touch but having him around has encouraged you to eat more and take showers. He cleans up the room for you, waits on you hand and foot, and tells you he loves you a hundred times a day. You haven't indulged in any self harm recently either. You have thought about it, but again Spencer being here and keeping a close eye on you has made you feel a little better.

But not completely.

You still don't like what you see in the mirror, and you still have the same nightmare every night. You still blame yourself for what happened to Cecilia and you miss her more than anything in the world. Not even Spencer could change your mind about that. He is trying though. Especially for the past day when you haven't been a great place.

Right now you're laying in bed in your long sleeved shirt and sweatpants. You're waiting for dinner to get here, which Spencer told you is a surprise. You want to be excited but you can't seem to muster the feeling. You stare at the tv as an episode of The Good Place plays.

"Do you need anything?" Asks Spencer for the millionth time today. You shake your head and he sits down in the bed next to you. "Penelope asked about you today. She says that you need to watch the latest episode of the Kardashians, apparently something crazy happens." He continues as he lays under the covers. "She misses you. The whole team does, but I won't lie it's been nice to have some time with you."

He pretty much does all of the talking lately. Sometimes you'll give a meek yes or no and there's an occasional please and thank you. It's because even though you've grown to like having him around you feel like you're a kind of burden. Like if you talk to him about anything he'll just worry or ask questions. So you just hope he knows you're more comfortable with his presence.

"Oh by the way, I talked to Naomi today. She wants to have a meeting next week about the house. Her schedule has finally cleared up since she offered to put a pending status on the house." He says. "I was um... I was wondering if you would be comfortable with going with me. You don't have to obviously, I just thought I would ask." He says coyly.

You want to go, you really do. If it goes well this could be your first home together. But spending a few hours outside of this room makes you feel anxious. It's become a sort of comfort place, because anywhere else overwhelms you with thoughts of that night. It's why you haven't had any visits with the rest of the team.

"I don't know." You say quietly as you look down at your fingers. You've picked up a habit of picking at the skin over the past few days.

"It's ok. Whatever you're comfortable with is ok." He says. He means it, but you swear you heard a tone of disappointment in his voice. It makes you feel bad- terrible, actually. You wish you could just do something for him instead staying stuck in your own head.

Selfish.

The word imprints on your mind as you pick your fingers and focus on the tv. You start to feel antsy so you step off of the bed and walk towards the bathroom. You shut the door and lean over the sink, slowly looking up to the mirror.

"Why can't I just stop?" You whisper very quietly. A tear runs down your face as you feel the self loathing settle in. "Why can't I just feel normal again?"

You stare into the mirror a second longer until your eyes move to the shower. You walk over and slowly and quietly open the curtain. You look around, but you don't see it.

Spencer must have hidden the razors when he found out.

You know he's looking out for you, but for some reason you feel angry. Your jaw clenches as you shut the curtain and walk back to the mirror. You look at yourself as you curse Spencer in your head.

Why the fuck would he do that? I'm not a child.

You want to go out there and confront him. You want to tell him you don't need his help, that you can "get through this" and take care of yourself. You don't need to be babied by him anymore.

What's wrong with you? He's just trying to be a good husband by being there for you. Don't antagonize him. You're cold enough to him already.

Ungrateful snob. He babies you because that's what you are. An emotional, worthless baby.

There's the guilt. You hate yourself for making him the bad guy, he's been here for you for days. You should be grateful to him- and all you give him in return is the occasional yes or no and thoughts of yelling at him for protecting you. What a great wife. Your lip trembles and you sit on the toilet to cry, not knowing how to feel or when you'll stop being like this all the time. Your breathing becomes erratic and you feel that familiar crumbling sensation. You want to break down completely as self destructive words ring in your head and you feel like you're sinking again. A knock at the door causes you to hold your breath.

"Are you ok y/n?" Asks Spencer. You wipe your tears and take a quiet, deep breath.

"I'm fine." You answer. You stand up and quickly splash some water on your face and dry it off. You take a few more breaths and open the door where Spencer is standing. He was obviously listening in after he checked on you, but you just walk past him and back to the bed. He turns around and looks at you, scanning your face for any sign of negative emotion. You try your best to hide it, but your cheeks are still a little red along with your eyes. He notices and you're scared he's going to ask questions. He walks towards the bed, his eyes fixed on you. He looks like he's going to ask you something as he slowly sits down next to you and you tense up at his eyes on you.

"Do you remember what I said to you for our wedding vows?" He asks, catching you by surprise. You really were expecting him to ask why you were crying. You turn your head towards him but you don't make direct eye contact. He's looking into yours, a small smile on his face as he recalls your wedding night. "I told you that you amaze me everyday, and that I've become a better person because of you. I also promised that I would stay by your side no matter what. I still mean that. I love you y/n."

Your heart melts from the warmth of his words. That is exactly what you needed to hear, and you appreciate that he didn't try to talk to you about crying in the bathroom. You feel so much so that you start to cry again. You look up at him, and for a split second you make eye contact.

"Thank you." You say. He smiles at you again and stands up when there's a knock at the door. He walks towards it and opens it revealing Anderson. He hands Spencer a plastic bag, and Spencer whispers something to him. You see Anderson nod and Spencer shuts the door. You then recognize the smell of sushi. Your favorite.

"I thought you could use something special tonight. I also asked Anderson to pick up some boba tea, so that should be here within the hour." Says Spencer as he pulls out your food. He preps it on a plate with soy sauce then hands it to you. He sits next to you on the bed ready to eat his california rolls. It's quiet as you finish your first roll of shrimp tempura. That's until you pick up your second roll and dip it into the soy sauce.

"I love you too."

He stops chewing and looks over at you. He's obviously very surprised, but you don't look at him. You try not to feel uncomfortable with him staring at you, because you know this moment probably means a lot to him. You haven't said anything like this to him since the night Cecilia died. He looks away and eats his sushi with a feeling of hope. Hope for you.

Because you want to do better. You want to feel love with him again, because he deserves all of it. He's putting his job and his relationship with his coworkers on hold for you, and for that you're grateful. You make a promise to yourself to at least try for him because he would try for you.

And that's why you said I love you back.

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Another chapter up tomorrow :)