Smile | Suicidal Todoroki x Kaminari

5 | Panic Attack

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, purging, or eating disorders.

Shoto Todoroki
•⊱—≬—⊰•

With an arched, drooping spine, an obscured expression smudged with the saline traces of tears, and arms stacked above his perplexed forehead, Todoroki silently sobbed against the tatami mats on the floor and the futon pressed against the lower column of his spine. His hands violently spasmed adagio, but they intermittently twitched apace. His hiccupping breaths were leaden, long, and languished. Residual paroxysms of trepidation and guilt flickered like embers in his watering, red eyes.

He wants to give me happiness, Todoroki thought to himself as he slowly steadied his ragged breathing. I want it, but I don't want him to know. I've always had someone there for me, but I've never admitted that I need help. I don't want them to worry, I don't want to burden them, and I can't bring myself to fully trust anyone with the information. But it's fine... Only two more days are left. I'll be happy...right? It'll be over. Happy. I'll be...happy.

Todoroki scrunched his eyes closed as the efforts he'd invested into stabilizing his breathing were sardonically split—soft, visceral sobs rained from his lips as his back and shoulders jerked with his rapid breaths. Ever since his mother had passed away while in the hospital, the life he lived had swiftly deteriorated from being arduous to torturous. Happiness had been what he desired, but regardless of his efforts to attain it, it was as though the longing tips of his frail fingers slid across the peripheries of the feeling, but as he curled his digits to grasp what his eyes were drawn to, the feeling evanesced, and his rigorous efforts were rewarded with venom-filled fangs to the veins.

Calm down, he commanded himself. Calm down... Breathe. Slowly...

Yet, Todoroki's thoughts were sundered by the upheaval of a memory from quite a few years prior; it was foggy and brief, but feelings of helplessness and worthlessness that were linked to the memory flared up like fervent flames. The first time Todoroki had experienced a panic attack was shoved far enough into his wall of memories that he couldn't quite recall how old he had been, but it hadn't been recent. He could recall overhearing his father rancorously scolding his mother, and as he walked past their room to reach an unknown destination, the door swung open. Of course, Todoroki was terrified, to say the least, but what triggered a panicking inferno was when his mother was struck to the floor because she had pleaded for Endeavor to stop, and all the while, Todoroki's father lambasted him for eavesdropping. Todoroki was unable to recollect the precise words that were spoken at the time—not that he could decipher much through the shivering, gasping, and pulsating paralysis that devoured his body—but he did remember how his hyperventilation caused his father to ignorantly inveigh that his son needed to get a grip and simply breathe normally; Endeavor did nothing more than order his son to get over himself and learn not to eavesdrop.

Endeavor likely saw his son's panic attack as mere fear and guilt from being caught eavesdropping, but Todoroki felt as though his Quirks sporadically erupted within him and leaked through his body like a toxin, like he was drifting away from the world in a frigid ocean of precipitous ice, and as though a pair of hands were coiled around his throat. Todoroki couldn't remember what had transpired afterwards, but he knew that the phrasing coupled with the tone his father had utilized like a knife cut directly through his chest.

Stop thinking about it, Todoroki berated himself with a jaundiced tongue. I can't help it. His words... Mom... Calm... Calm down... It's simply anxiety. Don't, don't, don't. I can't stop thinking about it. Stop... Stop! Shit. It's hard to breathe. It's all my fault. Why can't I stop?! I'm making it worse... Calm. Breathe. Slow. Steady. Calm...

After a sea of merciless mental entropy, Todoroki had finally shattered the chains which choked his consciousness and benumbed his senses, he crawled into his futon and breathed deeply. His throat felt cold, dry, and raw, but all he could think about was breathing again. Like gales bellowing through the maw of a cavern, the ripped ribbons of air entering and exiting his lungs gradually abraded the white smog rimming his eyes.

It'll be fine in a few days, he reminded himself. It'll be fine in a few days. It'll be fine in a few days... Just smile. It'll be fine. Smile. The pain will be gone. Smile. I'll be happy. Just smile. Todoroki forced a feigned smile. But it feels wrong. Why should I smile when I broke up with Yaoyorozu not long ago? I did love her. I did trust her with some of the truth. I didn't want to end the relationship. But...I don't think it's necessary when I won't be here any longer. I'd only hurt her more. I do also think Kaminari is cute, but what I'm most attracted to... I guess his positivity and compassion remind me of her. I can't help but love that. I'm not sure why he likes me, and I'm not sure why he wanted to be my friend, but knowing he cares... The feeling is fleeting, but it's there. I'm sorry, Kaminari, but where I'm moving to, I won't be able to contact you by phone.

⊹⊱—≬—⊰⊹
"𝖤𝖺𝖼𝗁 𝖽𝖺𝗒, 𝗂𝗍 𝗀𝖾𝗍𝗌 𝗁𝖺𝗋𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝖺𝗋𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗍𝗁𝖾."
𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦.
"𝘿𝙤𝙚𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙨𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙜𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙞𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙮 𝙨𝙪𝙛𝙛𝙤𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙚?"