Smile | Suicidal Todoroki x Kaminari

18 | Why Can't I be Okay?

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, purging, or eating disorders.

Denki Kaminari
•⊱—≬—⊰•

Sliding open the door to the Todoroki residence unfettered the rolling din of an avalanche of Endeavor's roaring; it was as though the volume had been resting at a moderate low and was wound up to its maximum within a mere second.

"...RACE. WHERE IS MY SON? THIS PSYCHOTIC WASTE OF A LIFE IS NOT MY SON!" bellowed the acrimonious beast wielding Hellflame.

All Kaminari could do was listen as his jaw was cranked towards the floor. Oh my God, he thought through the tramping of his heartbeat. What do I do?! I'm useless here! This is Endeavor we're talking about. You can't say that to your own son. No one says that to my boyfriend. But there's nothing I can do. Why am I always the dumb, useless one that never knows what to do?

"We've both made a paradox," Todoroki huffed while Kaminari sidled up along the wall and pulled out his phone to record the pandemonium.

As Kaminari began to record the video, Endeavor bashed his foot into his son's shin, causing the heterochromatic student to spill onto the floor from the blow. Kaminari winced, but his chest throbbed and sagged from the leaden feeling of being absolutely useless as the person he loved was beaten both physically and mentally. He wanted to charge into the room and tackle the Flame Hero, but even he was cognizant that that would likely be a suicide mission.

How can you do this to your son?! Kaminari wanted to scream as his trembling hands caused the video to violently shake. How can you do this to anyone? That's messed up... Shoto's injuries from the crash haven't all healed yet. Ugh. Oh, that hurt... Kaminari could almost feel the organ-splitting kick Todoroki received, and he recoiled from the nonexistent pain. So these are the true flames of Endeavor? Awful... Geez, how can you do something like this and still call yourself a Hero? This is the father he's lived with? I always wondered why Shu would sometimes show up all beaten up, but now I know why. Did Shoto just, like...chuckle? That's kinda scar—

"I SAID... DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!" The ardent inferno of Endeavor's voice almost seemed to shake the house.

A nonchalant, mangled, "Okay," fell from Todoroki's lips as he feebly managed to crawl back to his feet. Yet, he seemed to notice Kaminari's presence, so as he hobbled towards the staircase, he faced Kaminari's direction and pointed upwards while forming something in his right hand—four panes of ice as a two-by-two structure.

What the heck does that mean? Kaminari asked himself while his boyfriend hobbled towards the staircase. He's gonna hurt himself... Is Endeavor still watching? There's no way I'm looking. What is Shu trying to say? Up... And a box? What was that? Go upstairs... I can't go upstairs right out in the open with that monstrosity lurking around the corner. Uh. Up... Ugh, what does it mean?! Kinda reminds me of that computer logo. Computer... Bring my computer up there? Wait. OH, THE WINDOW. The golden-eyed individual ended the video recording on his phone while silently slinking back out the door and winding around the house to locate Todoroki's window. Crap. Where would his window be? I'm not good at picturing things in my head in three dimensions. Where's his room...

Once Kaminari had located where he believed Todoroki's room to be, he strained his neck as he stared up at the window, but soon enough, the window opened, and a glacier of glittering, glaucous ice erupted from the ground. Ascending through the sky, Kaminari bit his lip as he witnessed his boyfriend struggling to utilize his Quirk whatsoever. Upon reaching the windowsill, however, Kaminari swiftly scrambled into the safety of Todoroki's room.

"Shu..." Kaminari whispered while gently grasping Todoroki's left hand.

"I'm fine," Todoroki panted with a hunched back and hands pressed tenaciously to the window. "Thanks, Den..." He then began to melt down the staggering precipice of ice he'd formed.

"You're clearly not fine..." Kaminari sighed with a drooping undertone of fear. "Your dad deliberately beat you. That's not okay, Shoto... I got some of it on vide—"

"Delete it."

"What?"

A twitching, irate grimace grappled onto Todoroki's countenance as he faltered to the floor. "Delete it... He's right—I'm...just a waste of a life." His smile looked like acrylic paint brushed over the ghastly face of a porcelain doll.

Shoto... Kaminari thought to himself as a disconsolate frown consumed his expression. How can you say that about yourself? How much...have you been through to think like that? How many tears hide behind your smiles? How much pain hides behind your eyes? How much self-loathing is hidden behind the facade we know as Shoto Todoroki? How much of the truth that hurts like hell to think about has he kept to himself all this time?

The golden-eyed student knelt down to Todoroki as an incendiary bullet combusted his chest. "Shu, that's—"

"No matter how you want to phrase your rebuttal or refutation...I just won't believe it. I love you, but this is why I didn't want this. Den..." He extended his pale, trembling fingers to Kaminari's face until he cupped the latter's cheek. "After all this hell...why can't I be okay? I thought things had changed, and maybe...I'd be able to shake off the pain, but everything is the same. Denki, why should I keep going?" Although a bit crooked, his eyes roughly met Kaminari's, and in those empty eyes of crashing oceans resided something enervated, dusty, and vague, but Kaminari was certain that it was what he had failed to notice in such poignant pools of longing: a silent, watering, desperate whisper for help, an answer, a reason, a hand—anything at all.

Kaminari had no answer available for Todoroki, but he could feel the dripping, leaden pull of tears cascading through his eyes. "Shoto, I...don't know what to tell you," he replied in a forlorn sigh. "But for the people you care about, please... Yaoyorozu was heartbroken, Shoto. I visited Bakugou, and he was filled with so much guilt and regret—he can't make amends or even apologize to you if you're not here. Fuyumi and Natsuo are so worried about you, but they wanna see you get better—not disappear. Shu, I love you. You, Shu. There's only one of you. You promised me...that you were okay." He flicked his brows as Todoroki's hand sharply flinched open before it rested at his opposite shoulder.

"That's...just who I've become," Todoroki murmured with a voice razed by effervescent exhaustion. "I lie... I lie to you, my family, my friends, myself...even though it kills me so slowly and so gently on the outside. Denki, I tried... After seeing how much you all cared about me, I wanted to make my life my own again. But I guess I was never meant to be okay, and I've accepted that."

While Kaminari wrapped his arms around his lover, he replied, "It's not too late—"

Todoroki interjected, "I'll stay...if it makes you and the others happy, but it won't change my mind. I promise, Den..."

⊹⊱—≬—⊰⊹
"𝖠 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝗆𝗂𝗌𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗋𝖾𝗆𝖺𝗂𝗇 𝖿𝗂𝗅𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝗈𝗋 𝗎𝗇𝖿𝗎𝗅𝖿𝗂𝗅𝗅𝖾𝖽."
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩.
"𝙄 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝗜'𝗺 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙."