Smile | Suicidal Todoroki x Kaminari

8 | It'll be Okay

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, purging, or eating disorders.

Shoto Todoroki
•⊱—≬—⊰•

Once Todoroki had sufficiently bandaged his wounds, he fumbled to outwalk the clock as he soon scooped up his phone and slipped out of his dorm. Providentially, he'd set his alarm an additional hour and a half earlier than what he once perceived as his own norm, but even then, he could only sigh at the fact that over an hour of his morning was dedicated to plucking up the strength to merely move out of bed.

Kaminari: Oh, no worries. I was just wondering if you wanted to have Yaoyorozu and Bakugou make you something for breakfast. Would you believe it if I said Bakugou was the one to offer first?

Kaminari: Welp, they made you cold soba. I'll give it to you when I see you.

Todoroki's lips shriveled into an irked expression at the thought of forcing food down his throat. How would he be thin if each bite he took out of his food was a clump of calories after a clump of calories? The prospect of obesity terrified Todoroki, and in his mind, eating even once every day was far too many calories consumed.

Of course, throughout Todoroki's time at U.A., his classmates had witnessed his fluctuating rise and fall in weight—after the dorm system had been implemented, he typically returned from school breaks seeming healthy, but that weight was swiftly shaved off for the majority of the school year—but upon being asked about it by some of his friends, Todoroki elucidated that it was due to his metabolism.

Todoroki: Oh. I'll have to thank them. Sorry I missed this again. I was in the shower. I'm heading to the common area now.

A spell of lightheadedness and nausea insidiously wormed its way into Todoroki's body as he plodded into the elevator. He figured that he could drink water to alleviate some of the pulsating pressure pressing and pounding at his skull, but much to his chagrin, his thoughts slowly obsessed over whether or not his lacerations had been properly treated.

This won't end well if I bleed through, he inwardly snapped at himself. I did them hastily. What if they come undone? They'd see. I shouldn't have done this right before school. I couldn't help it. Why... No, no, no. Don't think about it. Stop. Calm down.

The elevator ejected a jubilant ding, and the heterochromatic student blundered out of its grip to the common area. He had somewhat foreseen it, but Kaminari stood nearby with a plump grin gracing his refulgent mien.

"Hey, hey!" the energetic student of electricity greeted him. "So, I know you probably want to grab a cup of coffee, but it might help you to sleep if you don't." A luminiferous stream of electricity spilled across his forefinger.

I sometimes wonder why I'm attracted to people like this, Todoroki found himself ruminating as he pushed his lips up into a crescent arc. "I might fall asleep in class," he chuckled as the ghost of his smile ebbed away.

Kaminari handed him a bowl of cold soba. "Well, if you're gonna fall asleep, ya might as well be content."

Repugnance twitched across Todoroki's expression. "I...might eat it later. I don't usually eat breakfast." He glimpsed into Kaminari's golden eyes and could detect the solicitude slicking them over; they silently beseeched him to at least eat something. "But I guess I can make an exception." He grinned again, but it felt as though simply smiling had been the equivalent of five successive push-ups—not extraordinarily strenuous, but heavily exhausting when rapidly and continuously performed.

Why am I doing this to myself? Todoroki pondered while silently reviling the soba in front of him. I feel like I owe him, but I already ate in front of him once. That was revolting enough, but I loathe this despicable desire to purge after eating. I feel heavy and look fat enough when I do eat, so I keep ridding myself of what makes me feel that way...but I honestly hate doing it. Besides, there's a constant paranoia factor—if Endeavor finds out, he'll do more than excoriate my disobedient, disgusting, disgraceful actions.

As the two approached their classroom, Todoroki regretfully indulged in squeezing down the cold soba he'd been offered. All the while, Kaminari espied him with an alluring smile and benign eyes of two pools of resplendent sunlight. Todoroki couldn't discern whether he felt more flustered or self-conscious at the fact that he was being stared at as he ate—he abhorred eating in front of others, despite how frequently he did so.

The fact that he makes me feel like this only makes me feel guilty, Todoroki cogitated as an injection of warmth shot through his cheeks. I loved her... I wouldn't have left her if I wasn't like this. I can't take this... No matter what I do, I always end up being fucking useless. I have to get this out of me. I'm fat enough... I can see it on my arms. Dammit, why am I so fat?

"I'm going to dispose of this and use the restroom," Todoroki forced himself to slovenly murmur. "I'll talk to you during lunch." Another smile painted itself onto his mien, but once the expression had been mustered, Todoroki felt as though his smile had been a blade that punctured his chest with its fine tips.

"Aww, I'm honored!" Kaminari exclaimed while Todoroki briskly entered the nearby bathroom with a sweet scarlet burning his cheeks.

Cramming the disposable bowl and chopsticks into the trash, Todoroki briefly scoured the bathroom for anyone that might see him entering a stall, but no one was present. With a click, he exhaled in his moment of remission from the safety of the stall. He rolled up his sleeves to see that his left wrist had in fact begun seeping through his bandages, even if only subtle. So, the dual Quirk-user fished out the scarce medical supplies he could safely stash in his pockets, and with deft yet shaky fingerwork, he wrapped up his gash again.

It'll be okay, he reminded himself as he stared at the tiled floor with a growing remoteness in his frigid, inky eyes. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. It'll. Be. Okay. Everything is prepared for tomorrow. It'll be okay. Todoroki began to crystallize a blade of ice, but he rebuked himself for the precipitous impulse to cut at school. I can't help...but want to feel okay now. Even if only for a few seconds, I want to feel it. Something different... Something nice. But I can't escape this guilt every time I seize the opportunity—a useless thing doesn't deserve to experience something gifted to those who deserve to experience it. It's fine. It's okay. No, it's not fine, and it's not okay. It will be fine. It will be okay. It'll be okay...

While attempting to placate his irate inner turmoil, Todoroki lifted his head at the cry of the warning bell transfixing the air. Adrenaline swelled in his veins like flames as he rapidly wriggled his fingers down his throat until the sustenance he'd consumed was purged from his system.

Damn, he thought while glancing at his shaking hands, I need to hurry. I'm going to be late. I didn't check my legs. What if those bleed through? What if... Stop. Stop being so anxious and self-conscious about every damn thing...

With an empty, throbbing stomach, Todoroki lumbered out of the stall to wash up and rinse his mouth out, but a serrated poison perforated his lungs and clawed at his stomach as his eyes met with Bakugou's.

⊹⊱—≬—⊰⊹
"𝖶𝗁𝗒 𝖺𝗆 𝖨 𝖺𝗅𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝖨 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝗎𝖼𝖼𝗎𝗆𝖻?"
𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘯𝘶𝘮𝘣.
"𝙎𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙖𝙞𝙣 𝙞𝙨 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙤𝙤 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙧."