Smile | Suicidal Todoroki x Kaminari

13 | Can't I be Okay?

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, purging, or eating disorders.

Shoto Todoroki
•⊱—≬—⊰•

All was silent as Todoroki finally finished eating, but he could hear the snarling complaints of his stomach and the domineering voices ravaging his head. Although his body must have certainly thanked him for ingesting a supply of sustenance, his mind lambasted such an indignant action.

"Are you purposefully trying to disappoint me?" Endeavor brusquely inquired, but his son did not respond. "Answer me, Shoto." Malignant ire sputtered from his words like venom flicking from the fangs of a spitting cobra.

In what world would I want to deliberately disappoint someone like you? Todoroki asked himself while bringing a glass of water to his lips. I'm so tired... My stomach is throbbing, and my mind screams at me to purge right now, but that takes a lot of effort. I always have to dig around for a while and abuse my gag reflex. It's time-consuming, incredibly uncomfortable and disgusting, and damn does it burn. I really don't want to think about that right now.

As Todoroki set his glass back down, Endeavor spat, "Were you starving to the point where your body consumed your own voice?"

I can't be starving when I'm this fat, Todoroki thought. Besides, I was guilted into eating because of Kaminari. I've eaten more than enough this week. What he said... I'm not. I'm not anorexic. I'm not like that. I don't have a mortifying eating disorder. It's different...right?

"Or have you been drinking again?" Endeavor pressed with a fiery lour burning through his patience.

Todoroki slowly shook his head as he scooped up his dishes in silence. Though, he couldn't deny that the idea of indulging in drinking again sounded like a dream. He couldn't recall when he had first taken a liking to alcohol, but he could remember mistaking a can of beer for soda—or maybe it was lemonade—and drinking down all of the beer, despite being aware from the first taste that it was an alcoholic beverage.

"If I ever find out you've been drinking again, or doing drugs, smoking, or anything that damages your health and corrupts your brain, you will regret ever deciding to start."

I already regretted it when I first cut myself and purged a meal, Todoroki internally growled. But I didn't care about the consequences. Now they're habits. I've tried to stop, but I always give in to the appeal of my habits. Again and again, I fail. I can't stop. I'm the only one to blame for giving in and crushing any progress I might've made.

After rinsing out his bowl at the sink, Todoroki hauled himself to his room, and then into his bathroom. He espied the toilet as he entered and locked the door, so he knelt down to purge everything he'd eaten. Yet, as he lifted his bony hand to begin the repulsive process again, he closed his hand into a fist and stood up.

This last time... he thought to himself. I won't. The urge is killing me, but there's something that takes a lot less effort to get a feeling of relief. Instead... Todoroki stripped off his clothes to form a puddle of fabric, grasped the scissors he had tucked away beneath his sink, and unraveled his bandages. Yeah. I forgot how cold it is when I'm not using my Quirk to keep myself warm. I need this right now... More than anything else, I need this.

Without thinking, he slid the blades of the scissors apart and stabbed one into the top of his left foot—he hardly had to display his feet. Almost instantaneously, his foot birthed a sac of blood that seemed like a black dome with vermillion peripheries. Cursing himself as he silently observed the rapidly expanding pool of blood atop his foot, he glanced around for anything nearby to mop up the streams and splatters he was certain he'd spill. Sure enough, as his body twisted a bit to look over his shoulder, the midnight-red dome of blood slithered like a snake down the left side of his foot and onto his heel.