Smile | Suicidal Todoroki x Kaminari

17 | Scars Fading, Wounds Opening

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, purging, or eating disorders.

Shoto Todoroki
•⊱—≬—⊰•

Everything was a nebulous maw of convulsing opposites as they collided, consumed, and amalgamated together. Memories perforated and permeated Todoroki's mind like cascading waterfalls. Reality and the present with fears of the future rammed into a web of past memories and residual trauma. Steaming pockets of repulsive memories exploded and oozed with blood and puss, thus contaminating everything those malodorous fluids touched. A sterile wash of reality rained down to liquidate the odious contaminates, but the deed had long been finished.

"NO, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND!" Endeavor hissed like a cobra with a lion's roar. "Use that filthy mouth of yours to speak. Do you hear me? SPEAK, SHOTO!"

Shut up, Todoroki thought while his body acted on its own.

TUMP!

Todoroki's left arm was bent, his hand was curled into a fist, and his knuckles were quivering. His eyes were watering, but his expression was a blank slate as he stared up at his father after having punched his own father's cheek.

"I don't hear you... All I hear...is a failure," Todoroki retaliated without vacillating as he gingerly drew back his arm. "Nothing to say to me? It's hard... This time, I want you to listen to me. Do whatever you want to me for my behavior, but I need you to listen. You scream at me, but I don't think you hear what you're really saying over your bullshit. Tell me... Do you know how it feels to have the person you loved the most say that you're unbearable, and then have that person leave a permanent reminder of that on your body that you can never erase...no matter how much you want to tear yourself apart just to attempt it?

"To obsess over the thought of gaining and losing weight because you hate that you can't do something as simple as eat without feeling guilty, you hate your reprehensible body, and you hate yourself? To be filled with so much anxiety to the point where you can't breathe, you forget where you are, you don't know what's going on, and you can't calm down...all while being scolded and hit for being weak? To sob when no one else is looking, and still feel guilty about it? To drown in so many tears that you completely lose your appetite?

"To fake being okay every single fucking day? To feel like you're empty, and the only way to fill that emptiness is with your tears or your blood? To remind yourself that you're a worthless waste of space any time something good happens to you? To have the intangible words others tell you feel like bullets to the chest? To..." He scrunched his eyes closed as his tears began to stream down his face again; his breaths were waves cut at a jagged shore as he reached his left hand into his pocket while curling his right hand over his heart.

"To have everything you wanted fall apart, and be forced to live with a broken body that you hate so much... To finally try to eat again to get stronger, but...but fear and guilt immediately cloud your mind, and s-suddenly, you're moving further from your goal...but you're giving it everything you have not to succumb, and someone else tells you y-you're weak, a failure, n-not trying hard enough, foolish... T-To have scars fading, wounds opening, and a-a sudden desire spiking, but you just c-can't speak, even though...you want to? To break down because it hurts too much to do anything? To tear apart your own flesh and b-body on the outside...just to try and be o-okay on the inside, but it never e-ends up being enough?" Todoroki paused for a moment before swiftly drawing something from his pocket, slashing it over his opposite wrist, and then pressing it to his neck as he vehemently sobbed with vitriol, "To be so fucking tired of being alive that you can't get out of bed?! To think about how much better the world would be without you, but you end up being too scared and useless to go through with killing yourself?! TO WANT TO DIE SO FUCKING MUCH?!"