caught trippin' | sapnap

23

important note - tw or cw?? not sure which one, contains talks about anxiety, depression/depressive episodes and panic attacks. pls skip this chapter if that will trigger you in any way <3
stay safe i love you all, take care of yourself you deserve it bb
also if those are not the right triggers and/or i need to change or add more please let me know :)

~ 1 month time skip ~

...
imessage

dream team

clay
guys i need help

george
what's up?

nick
with what?

clay
avas in a funk rn
usually i can help but
i rlly don't know what
to do it's never really been
this bad before

nick
what??
what happened? is
she okay?

george
oh no what's wrong

clay
idk how much
she's told you but
she suffers with anxiety
and depressive episodes
sometimes.

she seemed to be
doing so much better
but i think it's gotten
the best of her again

usually i'm good with
helping her get out of
them but she won't even
leave the house rn.

george
is that why she hasn't
been showing up
for recordings?

clay
yes

nick
what can we do to help?
i'd hate to think she's
struggling

clay
i'm going to be honest
i really don't know

nick
she seemed so normal
on call last night as well :(

clay
she's good at hiding
it online, it's scary
i honestly wouldn't have
been able to tell if i
hadn't been staying at
hers recently

george
why have you been
staying at hers?

clay
she just text me
one night asking for
me to come over

i guess she knew
it was getting bad again

nick
at least she's not
alone

maybe try get her in
a call with all of us??
that might cheer her up a bit.

clay
i'll try

no promises

george
tell her we miss
her

...

ava lay in her bed staring at the ceiling for the 5th day in a row. she usually tried her best to ignore when she felt like this, but the feeling of impending doom and worthlessness was so heavy she couldn't bring herself to get out of bed.
she'd text clay a couple nights prior to come
round when she was having a pretty rough panic attack, she'd opened up to him about having them before, hell, he'd seen her have one a couple times, but she'd never actively asked him for help with one before. the times he'd witnessed them were by accident.

she never really knew what caused her to feel like this, especially when it was so out of the blue. she didn't like the idea of asking someone for help but deep down she knew it was the sensible thing to do. she felt bad for being so m.i.a and had called sapnap last night, it was a quick call but she was glad to hear his voice and he was glad to hear from her.

she lay there, lost in her own thoughts when she heard a knock at her door.

"a, you awake?" clay spoke softly.
as much as she wanted to respond, she was too exhausted to say anything.
"okay, i'm coming in." he said slightly louder.

he walked over to her bed and sat next to her, she sat up slightly and lay her head on his shoulder.

"you know you can't lay here forever?" he joked, trying to cheer her up a bit.
"i wish i could." she mumbled.
"look i know it's hard, i'm not going to pretend to understand everything you're feeling right now, but i do want you to know that you matter, a." he paused, "everyone loves you so much, and we just want to help you. i hate seeing you like this but you need to know i'm willing to do anything to help you get out of this funk." he spoke softly, ava could hear the genuineness in his voice.
"i know, clay. i appreciate it, i do. i just don't have the motivation to do anything right now." she sighed.
"i know, but maybe just start with a shower? get yourself out of bed. not for me, for you." he suggested.
"i guess." she took a deep breath, she didn't want to admit it, but she knew he was right. laying in bed overthinking every little thing was doing her no good.
"i'll turn it on for you." he said lifting himself off her bed.
ava smiled at his genuine care for her, she knew she didn't say it to him nearly enough but she was internally grateful for him, and he'd saved her more than once. even if he didn't realise it.

she stumbled out of bed, and got in the shower. the warm water ran down her back and she let out a big sigh. she didn't want to feel like this but she didn't really know how to help herself.
she washed her hair and body, even though most people would find that to be an easy task it took so much energy and left her exhausted. she sat on the shower floor and stared at the wall.
she wished she knew a quick fix for what she was feeling but she knew there really wasn't one. as much as she wished there was, it wasn't that easy. mental illness was a bitch.
she lost track of time, until she heard a knock on the bathroom door,

"i don't want to disturb you but are you okay in there?" clay spoke, she could hear he was worried.
"yeah sorry! lost in my own thoughts!" she said standing up and turning off the shower. she didn't mean to make him worry, that's the last thing she wanted.

she got out the shower and put her hair into a towel, she changed into leggings and a hoodie sapnap had left before going to the living room where clay was waiting.

"better?" he asked with a smile.
"a little." she smiled faintly at him, "i'm just tired, man."
"i know ava." he said rubbing her back.
"do you want to get in a call with nick and george? they've been worried about you. they miss you, you know?" he suggested.
"maybe in a little bit." she said softly.
"take your time. i'm proud of you." he said.

she knew how lucky she was to have him, he was so understanding and patient. even when he couldn't exactly understand what she was going through.

——————————————————————

authors note

sorry if this chapters a bit of a bummer but i thought i'd add it to show that nobody's life is perfect.

i'm not sure how well i've managed to portray how she's feeling but i tried my best.

i want anyone who's reading this right now and struggling to remember that you matter, you are loved and you are enough.
never let yourself or anyone else tell you, you are any less. you are perfect the way you are and i'm so proud of everything you've done <3

i'm in no way a professional but if you ever need someone to talk to / vent to, sometimes it's easier to do so to someone you don't know and i'm always here to listen

take care of yourself, i love you