My Not So Secret Diary!

You're My Dad! Boogie Woogie Woogie!

So you all know my slightly genderphobic dad? Well he's been trying to be better.

Today about 5 times while I was in Zoom school my Dad came into my room. Each time he asked if I wanted to play catch. One of the times he even brought a baseball and a baseball glove lol. I said no cause I was in class. Throughout the rest of the day he kept asking me. I had a lot of things to do like laundry, eat, sew my new pointe shoes etc. so I didn't have time. When my Mom forced me outside to get fresh air he asked me again. When I asked why he said this...

Him: Well it's a tradition that Dad's and their children play catch.

Me: You mean Dad's and their sons.

Him: Well I'm not going to hold you to the cis gender norms of society. If you want to play catch with your Dad and you're a girl then there should be no difference than a boy playing catch with his dad.

(End of written convo)

After he said that he said a bunch more stuff about gender and how each one has things it's known for that are forced upon you if you identify with that gender. Like how girls wear makeup or boys play sports. He even mentioned nb people and how they have dyed hair. (I personally have never heard of any nb hair dye expectations lol but at least he tried)

But when he said things about sons it got me thinking.

I've always been a very feminine presenting person but I also hate my feminine aspects. I like makeup and dresses and normal feminine products but I hate my body sometimes. It's not that I'm insecure about my weight or anything,(I'm actually really skinny and light). I have been told I have a very nice body for a girl my age and some days I want to show it off. Most of the time I want to hide it. I hate it when people can see my butt and my crotch when I wear leggings. I hate it when people can see my small but visible breasts. I hate it when they can see my girl curves. My long eyelashes make me very pretty but sometimes I wish I didn't have a "doll face". These things are only sometimes.

The other half of the time I am super girly. I wear tighter clothes and feel confident in them. I'm not afraid to show my female aspects and I'm proud of them. I wear makeup to accentuate my feminine face and I wear mascara on my already dark, long, and full eyelashes to give them some extra volume. I style my hair pretty and act like the girliest girl there ever was.

After my dad said those things I put my hair in a ponytail and pushed it forward so it looked like I had short hair. I put a hat on and my baggiest sweatshirt. I liked the way I looked a lot. So now I'm questioning my gender. I think I could be gender fluid going between female, demigirl, and demiboy. Something like that. I also thought of what I would want my name to be if I ended up as having male as one of my genders that I switch between. I think I would want a boy name for the male and demiboy days and I think I found what it would be if that ever happened. Griffin Alexander *insert last name*. Griffin for my first name and Alexander for my middle name. I like it a lot tbh. But as of now I do not and have not felt fully male so...

Only time will tell. I'm still young so who knows what I will be in the future. I am just me as of now. And I love being just me. But I also would like to know what others should know me as. Not everyone understands what me means to me.

I also really really want to get my hair cut like this!!! It's the perfect mix of boyish and girlish and I love it! :3

Question: Have you ever felt like I do? What would you name yourself if you were the opposite gender?

Question 14 of the LGBTQ+ comment challenge: Favorite Celebrities?

My answer: I have many favorite celebrities but here are a few:

Rupert Grint - Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter movies

Emma Watson - Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies

Niall Horan - Member of the band One Direction (Niall is my fav of One Direction)

Mario Selman - Smol, gay, cinnamon roll, precious angel, bean. WHAT MORE IS THERE TO SAY?!?!?!