Certainty (A Bucky Barnes Fanfic)

━◦○◦2.1: Bird Man◦○◦━

episode 2 - Star-Spangled Man

Bucky was livid.

He sat on the floor, staring at the TV as some dumb blond talked about Steve Rogers. His hands and jaw clenched tighter with each word. Each breath felt like a war of anger. Steve Rogers the Captain America. Steve Rogers, John Walker's "hero" and "brother." Steve Rogers, a skinny punk with a shield years before he had a fancy body and a flag.

Steve Rogers, who Bucky had lost more than once.

They had all been at Tony Stark's house. Bucky had felt more out of place than he could have imagined until Pepper pulled him aside. Talking with him despite . . . everything. And Morgan sat beside him during the bonfire, playing with magnets on his arm. T'challa and Shuri had left after the bonfire, a kingdom to re-organize. Bucky had said goodbye, then turned to find Steve. Steve holding two vials of the time travel quantum realm tool. His shield strapped to his arm, and his face marked by a day of funerals. Bucky had understood immediately. 

"Come with me," Steve had said that night. "We can go back. We can go home."

Bucky had known who Steve was thinking of. Yes, Peggy Carter, but also Becca, the Comandos, the hundreds of events that Steve now knew would happen and couldn't leave alone.

"You are divided half and half," Bucky shook his head. "I got here one step at a time. There has been too much effort poured out to keep me here, and I am not Sergeant Barnes anymore. I don't have a home."

"You are my best friend," Steve reached for his hand.

But Bucky clasped his shoulder, "You are my brother, Steve. You always will be. But we aren't the people we used to be."

Steve had been silent. A silence which had been heavy and painful, even though they had both known the truth. Bucky couldn't go back. He couldn't let himself after how much pain his hands had caused. And Steve couldn't stay after how much pain he had witnessed. Steve couldn't stay after losing Natasha, his last anchor when Bucky and Sam were gone and Tony wasn't speaking to him. Those five years had broken Steve in ways that his decade in the modern world hadn't.

"I know what you are going to ask," Bucky pointed to Steve's shield. "But I am less like you than I have ever been. You need someone else. I don't want to fight anymore."

Steve hadn't argued, "You are all right with me giving it to him then?"

Bucky gave him a crooked grin, "Another Captain America for me to annoy? Sure thing."

"Jerk."

"Punk."

Steve threw his head back in a laugh, "Buck, I'll miss you. I don't want to -."

"No. You belong there. Take care of Becca for me."

"I will. I will do all I can for you from afar."

"I'm not -."

"Don't even start," Steve had given him a pained look. " . . . you know, I think you need to be free of me to find healing. I still want to cling to who you once were."

"And I am grateful you did because it's the only reason I'm free, but you are right," and Bucky had managed to smile through the ache in his chest. "I can love you as my forever brother and forever friend and still recognize that we belong in two different times."

"This may not be goodbye yet."

Always the optimist. Because even though Steve was still alive, and Bucky could technically visit him anytime, he hadn't. He needed to be alone, learn how to navigate freedom. Bucky couldn't rely on Steve. He couldn't if he ever wanted to heal. And though he told himself that daily, it still hurt.