Certainty (A Bucky Barnes Fanfic)

━◦○◦5.8: Nightmares◦○◦━

episode 5 - Truth

The nightmares were horrible.

Shamara woke, gasping, covered in sweat. She sat up on the floor, looking around wildly. Her gaze fell on Bucky, sleeping across the room from her, huddled in blankets.

It had been several days since they returned to New York. Bucky had been working with the book his therapist had given him but hadn't gone back to see Dr. Raynor. Shamara didn't blame him. Angie had convinced Shamara to try working at the gym she had mentioned weeks ago. Shuri had been right about Shamara's strength; each day, it felt more like what it used to be.  The days had passed quickly. It wasn't lonely anymore. Bucky was there when she came home, having pretty much moved into her apartment. But the nightmares were terrible for both of them. A night hadn't passed without one of them waking up with screams. They tried to fall asleep talking, and Bucky kept the T.V. on, but it hadn't helped much.

Shamara held in a groan, rubbing her arms. She got to her feet and stumbled over to the fridge. Even though the pills Shuri gave lowered her pain, they didn't control her temperature. She grabbed an ice pack from the freezer, sitting on the table.

She and Bucky hadn't talked much more. He wasn't the best with words; she already knew that. But the silence was a blessing because it proved to her his devotion. Shamara knew her heart, but her mind kept struggling to maintain some kind of control. Though she knew the tie between them was too deep to fade or break, though she wanted to marry him and build a home with him, she still kept worrying. The what-ifs were nearly unbearable. But each day, he was there. And he was definitely better with actions. When she got back from work, he had a smoothie waiting for her from the shop down the road. Set out with her medicine. When the heat got too much, he was ready with a variety of solutions. They were small, domestic actions but spoke louder than grand gestures. Louder than the words they were still struggling to say.

Shamara shifted the icepack to her head, wincing. She rubbed her arms and looked at the light sparkling around the blackout curtains.

Bucky screamed.

Shamara nearly jolted off of the table, her heart pounding. Her breathing quickened again as his silhouette sat up. Harsh, heavy gasps filled the room. He clutched at his chest, shaking his head again and again.

"You too?" She whispered, keeping her voice as soft as she could.

Bucky spun around, " . . . yes."

Shamara slipped from the table, walking over to him. She set her hand on his shoulder, almost flinching at his cold, but he pulled her closer. His whole body shook.

"They're different," he cleared his throat. "They aren't all what I did."

"Yeah?" Shamara smoothed his hair with her other hand.

"I don't know if this is better."

"Mine have been of childhood since I saw Amirah's grave. And . . . seeing Karli."

"Karli?"

"Without the numbing injections . . . I would have been just like her," Shamara shuddered. "I was so angry at sixteen. I had all these plans that I would do everything wrong until someone . . . took care of me. They did, kinda."

"She's only sixteen?" Bucky shifted to look up at her. "Truly?"

"Seventeen or eighteen, I think."

" . . . that's how old my baby sister was when I was drafted."

"You were drafted?" Shamara rubbed his shoulder.

He leaned against her leg, "No one knows that. I didn't bother correcting anyone's assumptions. I wanted to do the right thing, so I wasn't upset. But I wouldn't have gone if not called."