Certainty (A Bucky Barnes Fanfic)

━◦○◦4.5: The Square◦○◦━

episode 4 - The Whole World is Watching

Bucky walked down the streets of Riga beside Sam. They had spent the morning talking about nothing really, resting. Sam had graciously not teased Bucky and Shamara (much) more. And the morning passed slowly, with Japanese takeout for lunch. But when Shamara announced she would go shopping to make Palestinian food, Sam took it as his opportunity. He dragged Bucky outside to "scout around." Bucky stared straight ahead, clenching and unclenching his jaw as he waited for Sam's questions.

"You are kiddin' yourself about how much you care about her," Sam said with a sigh.

" . . . I haven't said -."

"That's kinda my point. You are falling harder and faster than you will ever admit."

Bucky's guard went down, "I know."

"Yeah? Then why aren't you doing anything about it?"

Bucky's heart skipped a few beats. Too many reasons. There was so much. And he barely knew his own . . . he hadn't thought about it. He rubbed his forehead with his shaking hand.

"It hasn't been enough time," Bucky narrowed his eyes at a crowd gathered around a couple of women, speaking rapidly.

"Man, you are over a hundred. If you wait for when you feel like it's been enough time, age will have finally caught up to you," Sam slapped his shoulder, much like Bucky used to do to Steve. "You have been spending every hour with her since we got on that plane to Munich. I would say every waking hour, but that's not entirely accurate -."

Bucky gave him a look. "Don't read into things."

"I know, I know. But seriously. It's about connection. Sometimes that connection comes quickly; sometimes, it takes years. Neither one is right or wrong."

"Don't tell me that the important thing is how I feel about her because I don't know the answer to that."

"Yeah, because you are as emotionally stagnant as she is," Sam heaved his eyes to the sky.

"I am not," Bucky put his hands in his pockets.

"You are grouchier, that's for sure. Listen, how you feel is a secondary matter. How you care for Shamara is what is important. How you respect her, honor her, protect her heart and physical wellbeing, forgive her and ask forgiveness. That's what matters."

Bucky was silent for a moment, his heart uncomfortably fast. He didn't know how he was supposed to react. What Sam wanted him to say.

"I don't deserve to even . . . consider -," he cleared his throat.

"And I'mma stop you right there," Sam held up his hand. "When you are thinking about how to love someone well -."

"I didn't say -."

"I'm sayin' it for you because it's how you should be thinkin'. When you are striving to love someone well, you. Don't. Look. At. Yourself. That defeats the whole purpose. Now, when looking at a relationship as a whole, you gotta think about her care for you. How things are goin' and all that. But if you think someone else could ever be better for her, you be better. You don't do something stupid."

"Like what?" Bucky gave him a look.

"Like run off as soon as we have a solution for her," Sam narrowed his eyes.

"I wouldn't do that."

"Yeah? Listen, man, your insecurities don't just damage you. They affect all your relationships. Heck, look at what happened with the Wakandans, for example," Sam heaved a breath. "Point being, if you let your insecurities take root now, it will be very hard for your relationship with Shamara to recover."