Ultimate's Book Of Thoughts (Ranting Book)

random 9

ok i guess this isnt

i mean its not a happy rant but its not an angry one either

im just numb recently

also disclaimer

dont wanna hear about how people will come around or how my dad means well or how sometimes it takes a while to adjust or things will turn out alright

not lookin for well-meant but ultimately empty reassurance that does nothin

if ur about to say someth like that

then dont

and if ur now like 'well wtf am i supposed to say then??'

thats the point

dont

i do want responses to this but if all ur gonna say is empty 'hope u feel better' things that only make you feel better and not me then no thanks

anyway

---

thisll be a long one bc context

basically i had another conversation with my dad in which i had to constantly explain and justify my identity.

this is not an exaggeration. my dad doesnt believe or agree with anything he cannot understand. and he has to know the why for everything

so when me being non-binary doesnt have a why, just that it feels right to me, he says no he wont respect my wishes

he says he'll call me noah but he wont use my pronouns at all and he'll still call me his daughter

and my dad being the intimidating figure that he is that wont take no for an answer, i cant change that

so anyway i was telling this to my mom on one of our walks a day or two ago

and when we were almost home she turned and looked at me and said (paraphrasing) "i know your father. he needs time to process these things but eventually he'll decide that your needs are more important to him than his beliefs. and in the meantime, i'll call you whatever you want to be called."

and she looked at me and smiled

and my heart exploded

it was a nice moment, but at the same time..

my dad was always the more open-minded person. he looks up and researches so many things and tries to find out new ideas.  my mom has a very set idea of things.

but my mom was the first to start using my name. to this day, other than necessary for drs appts.. she hasnt slipped up more than a few times. she rlly is trying her best.

and it just makes me feel worse that my dad refuses to even try.

if she can do it, why cant he?

and i do trust her, that he'll come around

my parents have been married for twenty years now.. they know each other. i trust her judgement.

i'm just scared of how long it will take

how much longer do i have to be deadnamed and misgendered because of other people's discomfort?

----

theres this one person on my discord server

my mods know who they r

and if ur reading this.. it is not you, i promise. this person only gets on like every three weeks or so and has no connections to my wattpad, only got on thru yt im pretty sure, so the chance of em seeing this is like, nil

every time they do get on tho

they just

make me rlly uncomfortable

overpost vents, say weird stuff, says "what" to literally everything instead of scrolling up/checking updates/reading context clues

when vera and i were in the middle of something one time

they literally just said 'what'

over

and over and over and over. without stopping.

dude. if you want to know what is happening, politely ask. we will tell you. spamming the chat with the same word rudely is not helping.

idk some people don't really break the rules they just... give you this vibe that makes you uncomfy and tells u "this person is trouble"

---

watching 'infinity train' on hbo max its a rlly good cartoon show abt a train that has a lot of dimensions and worlds and ppl get sent there with numbers on their hand, the number is higher depending on how like, bad u r and the more u improve urself while you explore the train the lower the number goes

once ur number goes down to 0 u get to go home

its rlly rlly good

----

the energy i have to reply to ppls messages is just... nonexistent now..

its not even that i dont wanna reply

i just dont always have the energy to talk to people

some ppl are energizing, like my friends, and i could talk to them all day

but some ppl i hav to be in the mood for if that makes sense

and then i feel bad when i see an unread message bc im like.. ik i should reply but i just cant

i just dont have the energy required to talk to certain people sometimes

----

ok tired bye

- ultimate