Ultimate's Book Of Thoughts (Ranting Book)

well hello there

Well, hey there.

The last time I wrote in this ranting book was April of last year. Time flies, doesn't it?

I was reading this out of curiosity, and I still find it interesting how much has changed. I am still technically the same person, but at the same time I feel worlds away from the child I used to be.

So I guess, in case I come back again in a year, I'll write a little something to my future self. It's also sort of an update to you all, since when I removed my stories from this platform around a year ago I didn't really update this much.

Hi, Noah. It's me. Also Noah. But from the past, because that's how writing things and then not reading them for a year works. Funny, that.

Anyway, I'm not sure how well future me is doing, but I'm doing better than I was. I have a new therapist, who's been helping me unpack some stuff. I'm still sensitive, but I know myself a lot better than I did, and I also know now that other people spouting bullshit at me is not about me, but is instead their problem and therefore not my responsibility to deal with.

I now use he/him pronouns exclusively. Any worries I had about my identity are basically gone. People still fucking suck (oh that too, I can cuss now!), but I know who I am now.

I'm Noah. I'm a trans non-binary dude. I work at a decent job. I almost have my driver's license. I'm a writer, and an artist, and I'm turning 18 in a few months now.

I do art commissions. I've written 7 Wings of Fire fanfictions, with an eighth currently in progress. When I move out, I want to live in a quiet town apartment with at least two cats. I'm very gay, and one of my biggest desires in a partner is a girl who really listens to and understands me, since most people in my life really don't right now.

All of those migraines I was complaining about in those earlier chapters I was reading turned out mostly to be because my eyes are more sensitive to light than other people's. It just means I have to spend less time on bright screens than most people, and keep up on getting new prescriptions for my glasses as my eyesight gets naturally worse (ah, such is the life of a glasses wearer).

As for the misgendering thing? Eh, it sort of got better. My mom has now been using my name and pronouns fairly consistently, and is the main advocate at my workplace since she works in HR of the same building I work at. My dad still doesn't get it, and still avoids using anything to refer to me, but at least he uses my name now. 

My brother's a young teenager who's obsessed with cringe culture and wants nothing more than to please his friend group, so you can see why the last thing he's worried about is using the right pronouns. To be fair, that was a thing since before I even wrote this ranting book, so I wonder if he's still doing it when I come back to read this entry.

I suppose I'm just checking in because I was reading a lot of the comments in the earlier chapters and saw that many people were genuinely worried.

And then I just. Stopped posting.

I was just on Discord, but, didn't really tell anyone that other than making an announcement. So I just wanted to say that I'm okay.

I still have breakdowns, I still have social anxiety and ADHD and I'm still a cynic. But my mental health is at least much better than it was when I was updating this ranting book.

And speaking of which, I won't be updating it anymore.

I do still rant and have problems, obviously. But I no longer want to project my issues onto a public site. I prefer to project my issues onto my fRIENDS no i'm just kidding

I hope you all are doing fine, too.

Not sure how many of you there still are, after a year, but hey there.

I don't know who you are, but it's going to be fine. I am living proof of that.

No one wants to hear that- hell, neither do I, when I'm mad. Because obviously it doesn't matter, you're thinking about the NOW and it doesn't matter what's happening in the future.

But I would hope that you can also look back at the stuff you said, and realize that you are so different now that you can hardly recognize that person.

I've learned, and grown, and gotten exponentially more queer.

Here's a cookie :)

Thanks, to everyone who tried. I got there eventually.

- Ultimate