Good At Surviving || Bucky Barnes ||

Chapter 40

"You are wrong. I don't need anyone. I'm fine." I lied, mostly to myself, as I closed my eyes and took a deep shaking breath.

At this point I really wanted to leave the room so that our conversation would finally be over. But I couldn't. I couldn't make myself leave, just as if a part of me wanted to stay there and talk.

"You know, when a person breaks their leg ..." he continued just as if I didn't say anything. "They can't take care of it by themselves. They need a doctor to help them. They need somebody that they can trust to help. It's similar with a broken heart. You need someone that you trust to help you fix it." he explained as I sat down on the floor and leaned my back against the wall.

"You are a robot. You don't know what are you talking about." I said with an emotionless voice and took a deep breath through my nose. "Yes, you're right. I'm not ready to accept the fact that he doesn't want me. It hurts. My heart hurts. But of course you don't actually know what that's like since you are not a human."

I knew that it was completely unfair from me to be mean to him since he was actually trying to help. He understood me like others didn't. But that was exactly what bothered me the most. He actually made me feel like I wanted to talk to him. Tell him everything. Rant about all the stuff that happened... tell him everything about Bucky.

That was the problem. I wanted to talk but I wasn't ready to accept the truth. Saying everything out loud would be the final confirmation.

"I'm sorry ... I didn't mean it like that." I apologised before he could say anything.

"It's alright. I'm assuming that's just the way your mind works ... it's kind of a ... coping mechanism. You are hurt so unconsciously you want people around you to be hurt as well." he said calmly just as if he was talking about today's weather.

My eyes widened as I processed his last words. "Excuse me?!" was all I could get out of my mouth.

"Not intentionally of course." he added just as if this was going to make everything he said much better.

"See this?!" I said a bit angry and stood up. "This is exactly why I don't want to talk about it with anyone. Because at first everyone is sooo understanding and promise to stay by your side, be there for you, never leave you and crap like this but in the end, when you feel like it couldn't get worse ... they say shit like this." At the end I was almost yelling. My words didn't make much sense but I just had to say something or I would've exploded.

Vision didn't react in any way. He didn't say anything, didn't even flinch.

"And you know what's the worst part? That this ..." I pointed at myself. "This is not me. The real me would never get this low because of a man. For the past few days all I did was crying. For what?! For a guy that I hoped to spend the rest of my life with ...?!" After the last few words I stopped.

Saying it out loud, something that until now, I didn't actually think about, at least not on purpose, made me feel like someone punched me in the stomach.

Bucky's life wasn't perfect. It would be hard but I was honestly ready to settle down with him. I know, crazy. I never actually thought that I was ever going to be ready to spend the rest of my life with someone. But now the only future I wanted was the one that includes Bucky.

I suddenly stood up. After a long time I finally felt like myself again. "You are brilliant. Thanks." I said to Vision before I almost ran out of the room.

Vision was right. I needed a talk. Not a talk about exactly everything that happened. Just a few random sentences and a bit of shouting helped me find myself again.

Made me realise that before I could save someone else, I needed to save myself. If I was nothing without Bucky then what's the point? I needed to be somebody before I could be somebody to someone else.

At first I walked fast, then I was running. I passed many doors and corridors when I finally found the person I was looking for.

"Steve. I need you to help me become an Avenger." I said confidently and out of breath.