Good At Surviving || Bucky Barnes ||

Chapter 31

Bucky kept rubbing the back of his head as I tried to find the right words to say.

His eyes showed that he was hurt and emotionally exhausted. I should've said something encouraging and calming but my head was empty.

"What was the nightmare about?" I asked, trying to speak with my normal voice and tried to cover up the shaking.

"You don't want to know." he replied as he turned away from me.

I took a deep breath and walked closer to him. He looked over his shoulder but as he saw I was getting closer, he once again moved further away from me.

When I noticed that, I stopped. "If I didn't want to know, then I wouldn't ask." I responded as I tried to ignore the fact that he didn't want to stay close to me.

"I think it's better if you -..."

"I don't care what you think! Don't you think that after this I deserve to know?!" I snapped.

Immediately regretted it. I covered my eyes with my hand. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't want you to feel pressured to tell me ... fuck that was so stupid." I mumbled and shook my head.

"Everytime my memory was starting to heal and when I started getting flashbacks from my past ... there was a way of wiping it all away. Everytime I started getting back to being myself they made sure I was immediately brought back to being cold-blooded assassin. To achieve that ... they used some kind of a machine or something. It was ... the worst pain you can imagine." he explained with heartbreaking pain in his voice.

"That's why you were screaming... and when you woke up, you thought it was happening again? You thought I was one of them?"

He nodded without looking at me.

I walked towards him and once again he tried to move away. "Don't you dare move." I said and pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm not gonna lie Buck, you really scared me." I mumbled.

I felt him let out a deep sad breath. At the same time he wrapped his arms around me which immediately made me feel better.

No matter what, his hug was and always will be my home.

"How often do you have ... those kind of nightmares?" I asked as I looked up at him, still holding him in a hug. I didn't want to let him go. I wanted him to know that he is safe with me.

"Everytime I close my eyes." he replied honestly, which I really appreciated.
"Never hurt anyone because of them before tho ... except myself."

After he said that I felt like there was an invisible weight thrown at my chest.

Slowly I raised my hand and moved a strand of his hair away from his beautiful eyes that were now empty and full of hate. Self-hate.

I rested my head on his bare chest. "You are cold." I whispered as I felt his cold skin pressed against my face.

"Mia. I know we thought-..."

"No." I interrupted him. "Don't even try to say it."

"But I can't stand a thought of you living in constant fear of me!" he said with a bit raised voice.

"And I can't stand a thought of being without you! Don't you get it? I need you! And you need me! And - ..." I got interrupted by a phone ringtone.

I pointed my finger at him. "We are not finished yet." I said before I left his hug and ran towards my rucksack to take out the phone.

I looked at the screen. It was an unknown number. Since it wasn't really my phone I decided to decline. I made my way back to Bucky who was now putting on a shirt.