Chase your fate

Chapter 34

Devyn stood in the doorway to his room, her arms wrapped across  her chest, her eyes red and swollen from a sleepless night filled with tears.  She wasn't sure what she was going to find here today, the conversation with his mother last night only telling her that he'd been hurt.  She had seen Alex in the lot, watched as the paramedics had worked on him, cried as she had wondered exactly what had happened.  She was a mix of emotions and none of them feelings that she wanted to try to express.  She looked now at Chase, his hand in a splint, the swelling on his face, the guilty, shameful look in his eyes.  It only took this one look to confirm her fears.  It was him.  He looked up at her, with those soft brown eyes, almost as if he were pleading for forgiveness "Devyn... it... its not what you think..." he began speaking softly.

She stepped into the room, pulling the door closed, walking to the bed, sitting beside of him, softly taking his splinted hand in hers, gently running her fingers over the bandages.  She was fighting an inner struggle.  She was angry at him for fighting, hurt that he hadn't let her know that he was alright, scared of what could happen next, thankful that he was here next to her.  She finally spoke softly "What... what happened Chase.. and don't give me that line of crap about work.. we both know that's a lie.".

He looked up into her eyes, speaking softly "I didn't go looking for him Devyn... I was getting ready to leave when he pulled in.. I ... I saw him go to the back... I only went to scare him off....".  Her eyes narrowed a bit as she let go of his hand "Scare him off?  Chase... you almost killed him... what the hell happened?".  He looked down at his shattered hand, remembering the night, going through it step by step in his mind, trying to find a way to justify himself, feeling that there may never be any way to do it.  Fearing that peace would never be found.  He looked back up, trying to speak but words just wouldn't come.

Devyn stood and began slowly pacing the floor of his room, waiting for an answer, when finally he spoke.  "I.... I tried to just tell him to leave you alone...  to leave us alone... it... it didn't go quite the way that I planned it.".  She stopped walking and sat back on the bed "Chase... what could he possibly have done... to make you... to ... Chase... you almost killed him... are.... are all of those stories about you true?".  He bit his lip at the question, dreading the day that it would come, wishing that he could erase the past, start anew, be a different person.  He dropped his head, sighing "S...some of them are true...." he looked up, knowing that if he told her the truth, she might leave him.  But he also knew that if he lied to her now, if he hid, she would learn the truth and she would go, and he would definetely lose her forever.

"Devyn....." he spoke softly "I'm ... I'm not a good person.." she began to interrupt with an argument, but he raised his fingers to ask for her not to, then continued "I mean... I try to be.. but.. it's like there's two of me.. there is the me that cares about people.. the me that feels things... that writes poetry... that hides in my room away from the world...  But... but there is another me.. the guy that I used to be... I try to keep him locked away.. buried deep inside of me so that nobody ever has to deal with him...  He's angry, and all he wants to do is take that anger out on anyone that gives him the slightest reason.  It's like I'm a damn monster.. some kind of jekyl and hyde, or .... or hulk...  It comes out when I'm scared, or mad, or ... or threatened....".  He took a breath to continue, but she interrupted "Chase... honey.. no.. you're not that guy.".

He closed his eyes, shaking his head "but I am Dev... that's the thing.. that's why I tried to stop fighting last year.. I... I just don't want to hurt anyone... but I can't help it.  Once I start.. once it comes out.. I can't control it.  It's like I'm possessed or something.  My vision goes red, and in my mind, all I can think is that they're going to kill me if I lose, so I fight like my life depends on it, and by the time it's over, it's like a piece of me did die.".  He closed his eyes, laying back on the pillow, waiting for her to leave.