Chase your fate

Chapter 17

Chase pulled his jeep into it's spot beside the house, shutting it off, hopping out and walking inside, his head still spinning from the kiss they had shared.  He had spent many nights in a drunken stupor, and several times he had rode the merry go round of drugs, but, never in his life had he ever felt this high before.  His stomach was still in knots, and his chest still tight, his lips still on fire with the taste of her on his tongue.  He walked through the door, lost in the dream of what could be, the hopeful wishes of things he'd only dreamed of.

His reverie was quickly broken as he found his dad sitting at the couch, holding his notebook in his hands.  'Oh god... no.....' he thought as he stopped walking midway through the room, his eyes meeting the eyes of his father.  "W..what are you doing with that?" he asked, trying to sound devoid of emotion.  His father met his tone with one of his own, a mixture of amusement, annoyance, and a tint of embarrassment.  "You left it on the kitchen table when you left this morning.. I needed a piece of paper and it was there." "Oh... can I have it back please?" "In a minute son... sit down.. I want to talk about it first.".  He sat down across from him, elbows resting on his knees, letting his hands fall to the center, slowly letting his fingers run against each other.

"What the hell is this son?" he asked, tapping the notebook against his own knee.  "It's... it's just stuff that runs through my head dad, just thoughts that come out.. so I write them down to.." "Thoughts in YOUR head?  Jesus Christ Chase... This looks like a little girl's middle school diary.".  Chase bowed  his head, knowing everything that was about to be said, because he'd heard it all before.  "What the hell is it with you son?  God... You're almost a man.. when are you going to start acting like one?".  "I wouldn't expect you to under.." Chase began but was interrupted by the opening of the notebook and his dad reading aloud "Why must I live.. Why must I die.. Why must we all... break down and cry.." he looked up at him "dear god what kind of son am I raising?"  he turned the page and continued reading the secret thoughts that Chase had never shared with anyone.  "We're dropped in a world where we don't want to be... a place filled with sorrow... and too much misery...?  Jesus Chase... you act like life is so hard... you poor thing you...".  He felt the weight of the words settling on his shoulders, knowing that if he'd gotten that far into the notebook, the worst was yet to come, feeling the frustrated tears trying to fight their way to the surface but willing them to remain hidden.

"I watch as you walk down the hall... wanting to speak but so afraid to fall...  What?  OH.. and here's my personal favorite... "  Chase winced as he heard him begin to read the poem that he'd written titled 'Dear Dad'.  "You look at me .. and see only what you despise... I'm so damned tired .. of seeing myself through your eyes... I'll never be... never be what you desire...  but that's ok ... because your eyes are a liar...".  He looked up, seeing the notebook tossed to the floor, feeling as though his heart had landed beside of it.  "Dad...that's enough.." his strangled words came out in broken syllables.  "You're damn right that's enough.. enough of this..." he pointed down to the notebook "...garbage...  Is this what you spend all your time doing?  Is this what you're learning in that stupid writing class you took?  Learning how to use pretty words to tell the world how sad you are?  How miserable your life is?".  His dad stood, looking down on him "When you're out there with those girls?  Huh?  Kiira and the others?  Is this what you guys do?  Have a great big pity me session and pass around tissues crying on each other?  I'd hoped you were at least... I don't know.. making some kind of move on that Kiira.. but.. god Chase.. I'm really starting to think you're some kind of faggot..." he stopped, looking down at Chase, almost asking the question.

"Leave Kiira out of this dad." he spoke through gritted teeth.  Dad looked back at him "You read your little books, you write your little boo hoo poems.. you spend all of your time with that girl, who you're obviously not dating, and your mother.  Dammit son.. you need to spend some time at least pretending to be a man and remembering that you're not a damn girl.".  Chase had hit his point, standing to his feet, raising his voice "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? HUH? WHEN ALL YOU DO IS TELL EVERYBODY THAT I'M LIKE THE DAUGHTER THE YOU ALWAYS WANTED?".  He realized to late that he'd fallen into the trap as he stood toe to toe to face him.  Chase was almost a carbon copy of his father, only a half inch taller.  They had the same frame, both having broad shoulders, thick chest and stocky, only Chase was a little bit bigger, not that it would matter, because he would never do more than push him away.  "DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME SON.. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU.".  "What, isn't this what you wanted?' Chase spat out "act like a man... not take any crap.. put someone in their place?  It's like you want me to take a swing at you or something.".  He stood, trying to maintain control as dad came back "You think you can take your old man now son... wanna try?" "No... I just ... God dad.. Just ..."