Chase your fate

chapter 3

In the stillness of the soft morning light, Chase opened his eyes. His sleep was not plagued with the usual violent nightmares, and no one had woken him. He lay there for a few moments, reliving last night in his mind. He knew that it had really happened, he could still feel the sting on his right cheek. One thing that he knew for sure.... he had decisions to make.

He crawled out of bed, slipping on a pair of running shorts and an oversized tank top, making his way to the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, the story told itself. His eyes were red and puffy, as though he had spent the night emptying the fountain of his tears. His cheek, no longer red, but still a little tender to the touch, showed no signs of the night before. He didn't bruise easily, so, that at least was a good thing.

He left the bathroom noticing the aroma of breakfast, so he made his way to the kitchen to find his mother finishing up cooking. "h...hey momma" he said softly. His mother turned, with a sad kind of smile, looking up at him. "Good morning chase... Your dad's at work, but i made breakfast for us. I was just getting ready to come wake you up". she said as she took the french toast from the griddle moving it to the serving tray, grabbing the plate of bacon and setting it all on the table. Chase went to the cabinet, gathering plates, forks, and knives, setting them at their spots, and sitting with his mother.

They ate in awkward silence, making small talk until they were finished. That's when she finally spoke, looking into his eyes. "Ok Chase.... talk to me... what happened last night.. where were you." His mind raced... he couldn't tell her where he really was.. but, he couldn't lie to her, it's the one thing he rarely could do. He looked up at her, trying to decide where to start. He reached over, taking her hand in his, his eyes, looking down at their hands, then up to her eyes. "It.... It's a long story mom... I'm really not sure where to start"

She squeezed his hand and sighed "well.... try the beginning?". He laughed softly, dropping his shoulders a little. "there's just... so much... that you wouldn't understand.. even if i knew how to say it". She lifted his chin, making him look at her. "Chase... you're not drinking and getting high again are you? you ... you promised me." "NO... no.. momma... i stopped that.. it isn't that.. it's...it's just... there are other things you don't know." With that, he let go of her hand, setting his right arm on the table, looking at the 3" scar in the crook of his elbow. His mother followed his gaze, looking at his arm. "W...what is it Chase.. you can tell me... anything"

He looks up at her, giving in, needing to share with someone, but scared to death. "R...Remember... when ... when i cut my arm at work... and we had to go to the urgent care to get stitches?" She looks back with concern. "Were you fighting again Chase" "n..no momma... well.. not like that... not that kind of fight." he slumped a little, looking back to her. "i've... I've been fighting myself... for a long time..." She seemed a little confused at first, then the realization came to her eyes. "Chase.. " "momma.. if you don't let me finish.. i'll never be able to get this out." With that, she nodded in understanding.

"That.. wasn't the first time.. it was just the worst one..." he looked up, then back down to his body, feeling her eyes scanning him, noticing all of the small scars on his arms, and the ones she knew were on his chest and waist, that he had blamed on work in a new light. He looked up at her, pleading for understanding and forgiveness in his eyes. "have you ever... had a pain.. that was just... horrible... then you hit your foot, or stub your toe, or hit your elbow, and the pain from that .... kinda makes your forget about the other pain for a minute." she looks confused for a minute, then nods in understanding. "i started.... hurting myself... to take my mind off of .... things..." She looked at him, her eyes starting to tear up "Chase... what... how did i not know? What kind of mother wouldn't see.. wouldn't know" "Mom... stop.. this... it isn't about you. I just... I don't ... you and Kiira are all i have mom... I ... just all the fighting.. all the ... stuff.. " he closed his eyes, fighting back the tears. "and ... knowing that ... Dad wishes... I wasn't me.." "Chase.. you know your dad loves you" "mom.. we both know... we both know.. i'm not what he wants.. i never will be..".

She looks down, tears slowly rolling down her face, knowing that there was some truth in his words but refusing to admit it. "my arm was the last time momma... that night.. i realized that if i kept going.. I would go too far" She looked up, gripping his hands tightly. "Where were you last night?". He looked up, not exactly sure how to say it, then finding the right words. "I was winning the fight momma... I had to ... convince myself... that it's worth it.. in the end... I know.. it's not going to be easy... but... I know it's worth it. I just... I just need to figure out where to go from here." She reached up, touching his cheek, trying to smile through the tear stains on her cheek. "Chase your fate baby..... You'll find your place..."