everything in my head has been LOUD
from the thoughts telling me to step off the edge, to cease being
to the thoughts telling me to scratch my skin with my fingernails because i have nothing else to break it with
it's the silence at night when they become deafening
most nights are hard to get through.
is it because i always miss the people i shouldn't
is it because i always joke about ending my life, so the thoughts don't mean as much to me
is it because my father was the same way
i can point to so many things, but it hasn't been this loud in a long time
and it's just hard to feel like this
to know the only reason i'm alive is because i had nothing to end my life with
to know that if there had been something, i would be dead.
to know that the scars on my arms and my ankle are there
to know that i have to live like this for years, because the only people that matter won't listen.
and i don't know if living will even be worth it
but all i know is that i'm losing my sense of self
i'm losing my soul
everything that i am is being drowned out by the volume of everything in my head.
