July 2014
all my life, i've just felt helpless.
i felt helpless when my parents fought
when the boys i liked never liked me
when that one kid called me ugly in sixth grade, and his words destroyed me.
i felt helpless when my friends all left
when i was continually ignored, made unimportant
when i first started to feel that self-loathing and ugliness whenever i looked in the mirror.
i felt helpless when my "friend" sexually violated me at seven
when she called me the least pretty out of all our friends
when she threatened to leave me friendless if i didn't let her touch me.
i felt helpless every time my mother criticized me
when she told me that what i believed and wanted was wrong
when i found out she gave her affections to another man, instead of my father.
i felt helpless every time my father drank
every time he went in the hospital
when i finally saw his body with the dead brain in that hospital bed
when i saw the wax figure in the casket
when i heard the priest at his funeral.
i felt helpless the first time i scratched my skin
when i felt like others saw the scars
when my mother saw, and she never did a damn thing about it.
i feel helpless now
seeing my friends helpless, the only true friends i've ever had
i know how it feels, and i want to help them
but i know i can't.
