July 2014
i've spent so many years saying that i'm okay
the self-inflicted scratches are nothing to be concerned about
i won't do it again, i promise
the thoughts of suicide aren't anything to worry about
i've tried to live normally, without hurting myself too badly.
i've said "it gets better"
like i've seen the other side
i've seen the best and the worst of life
but this feeling has never ended.
but after last night, i know i'm not okay
i haven't got any better
i stayed up until 4 am in pits of self-loathing and hate
i added new scratches to my wrist
i broke a promise to the one i love.
i don't even hurt anymore
i'm numb
hurting is such a familiar feeling
that i've built up a strong tolerance
and happiness is a drug for me
i'm always searching for another good day, a good high
but i've built up a tolerance to that too.
i need help
someone needs to help me
i'm a child pretending she's grown
i'm a drug addict at rock bottom
i'm the person standing at the railing of the bridge
i might jump tomorrow or twenty years from now
but i don't want to jump
i want to live, but not in this deficient existence.
i want to be okay, but after more than three years, i don't know what okay is anymore.
