i guess it's been looking up lately
i've been happier than i have been in a long time
a lot happier than i was.
i was reading all the old things, all the sad and happy and loving things that i wrote, and i've changed so much since i wrote all those things. life has changed so much around me, so much has moved on and moved past and become something entirely new. i am happy, for the first time in a long time, and those thoughts that used to be shouts are now only whispers.
i guess i've realized that time is linear, that life moves with or without you coming along, that everything changes given enough time. that even that pain that seemed eternal has an end, and there is a time where it will finally be gone. that those blond boys with eyes like the sea actually do end up liking you sometimes, and they do sometimes become more important to you than you ever thought they would. that they can call you beautiful too, and it sounds just as right.
i've learned that i can be happy without you, and that all those things i wrote about you don't hurt to read anymore, and that it feels so right to do all of those things with him that i did with you. i thought it never would be right, that there always would be a wound in my mind behind your name, but it's healed, and it's only numb scar tissue now.
because sometimes the 'maybe someday' actually does happen, and sometimes life isn't just hoping and wishing and waiting for things to get better. sometimes they actually do get better. sometimes you end up in the bed of the blond boy with the blue eyes like the sea, and it feels more like home there than it ever has before. sometimes you can find more small eternities than you ever thought was possible, and you can find them in places you never considered. there's hope now, there's new love and new beginnings and new possibilities that weren't there before, there's new things for me to look forward to, there's a new future with better times ahead.
and i'm just happy i can now spend them with him.
