I had a realization
that if I believed in heaven
I would kill myself
and it made me realize
how jaded I've become
to life and the end of it
my chromosomes are predisposed
to being sad and fragile
to being mentally imperfect
to being dealt life's backhand blow
as if I haven't suffered enough
and it's only gotten worse with age
when I was a child
I didn't play with the other children
now I want people's company
but also abhor it
growing up
I used to cry
about my parents and their fights
I wept every day
that my parents fought
and my father came home wasted
I cried into a pillow for a month
when my father died
until the pain stayed so long
that its novelty wore off
then the darkness came
desires to join my father
even if there was no heaven
thinking I couldn't last another day
I still have that feeling
way more than I should
I look at the violence and pain of this earth
and I realize
the darkness around me is from the earth
it is the famine, wars, and suffering
they are all one entity
whether you want to call it Satan
or just call it human suffering
all pain is the same
it's just how long it lasts.
