Just You

Nineteen

Nineteen

#Dylan

What's wrong with me?

How could I think for even just a second that Jake might have felt something for me aside from friendship? I shouldn't have acted that way. I swear, it was too obvious that I still harbored that crush on him. I just couldn't control my tears and I had to go before he saw me cry. How pathetic would that have been!

So I ran again.

Just like I always do when I don't know what to do or I don't know how to deal with my feelings.

I am a brainless moron!

Of course, Jake has a girlfriend! Girls have been fawning over him since the day he got here! I should have figured it was Farrah from the auctions, too. I knew he had slept with her already and he wouldn't tell me about his date with her. Something must have happened. Something really special. I accept that and I admit that.

So why do I feel this way?

Like I couldn't breathe. Like someone had stabbed me in the chest when Farrah appeared in Jake's doorway with her obvious intentions and Jake's obvious admiration. He couldn't even look at me!

It's time I face a fact.

I've liked Jake for a while now. It's not just a stupid crush anymore. I like the way his golden halo falls into his eyes. I like the way he says my name. His smiles make me feel warm and fuzzy. He has the softest lips and the most amazing kiss, but I would not know because he is my only. And his eyes. Oh, his eyes that look deeper than the ocean. I could get lost in them forever.

I think I've actually fallen in love with him.

But it's not just because of the way he looks and the way he makes me feel.

It's because of who he is, how much he loves his mother, how much he cares for his friends, his crazy obssession with football, the weirdest ideas that come to his head, the manner in which he listens to you as though the fate of the world depended on the things you were going to say, the way I can always count on him, and simply because he is Jake.

Just Jake.

But it's got to stop. Because Jake obviously doesn't feel the same way about me. How could he when he can have anyone he ever wanted? I'm just his best friend, the girl he met at summer camp all those years ago, his teammate's little sister. 

But the kiss. My first kiss.

And the date. My first date.

And the way he acted when I went out with Nicko.

Stop it, Dylan. Whatever they were, no matter how I felt about them, they were going to be forgotten. I guess what transpired today says it loud and clear, Jake just does not feel the same way. I should not keep my hopes up.

They say falling in love is a choice, and I am choosing to let him go.

I am letting go of Jake.

I am choosing to be Jake's friend. The best friend he deserves. Nothing more, nothing less.

And I don't deserve to get hurt.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I had to try. Jake deserves at least that. I knew it wasn't like a switch I could just turn off whenever I feel like it, but I had a strong feeling that I was making the right decision.

I fell asleep that night with a tear-soaked pillow and ache in my chest, but a resolution in my mind.

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