Sain Clare Academy (gxg, 18+)

Chapter Forty-nine

I'd never understood longing, before, despite the poetic words I'd had shoved into my ears during my expensive education and the long hours at school I'd listened to Elizabeth and May pine over whoever.

I hadn't missed how May would glance at Elizabeth when she wasn't looking, but I had also never pointed it out. They could work that little... thing, out themselves.

Even still I thought I knew something about it.

I thought I knew it in the way I'd reached for my father, blood flowing on splintered wood below; I thought I knew it in how I'd forced myself through the Academy, icy words and raw power; I thought I knew it in the offer I'd been given to work at the Academy, a step in my revenge-- still, I had known nothing about longing.

Now I knew it was the way I'd touched silver hair with hands that weren't my own, exchanged tentative words and dancing promises I knew I couldn't keep. I knew it was the way my heart plunged to the frigid depths of the ocean when Grace's eyes had dawned with realization of my identity. I knew it in the electric space between us as I walked by her side, unable to so much as smile without professional touch, wishing her eyes would brush across me as much as mine did her.

I kept my longing like a secret, a wish that could never be fulfilled, and in return it filled my nights with restless pain and insecurity. More than my past, more than my blood-soaked revenge, more than anything I wanted to be next to her.

"Grace," I said, soft, hand brushing over hers as she stared at me, silent and intense. Goddess. I was a fool.

In the corner, a rustling; I locked eyes with a small maid, bouncing from foot to foot and wringing nervous fingers together. I smiled, waving at her. She locked eyes with me, surprisingly bold considering her behavior, and bounded forward when I tipped my head in allowance.

"High Mage!" She all but shouted, eyebrows furrowed together with a comically serious expression on her face. She stopped a few feet away from the bedside, as Grace was still sitting beside me.

"May," I greeted back. I wondered how much she knew.

Grace stared at me, then at May, and stood. She took a step back, leaving a space that stood silent and expecting between the three of us. May tipped forward, just slightly.

"Come," I said, holding my arms out welcomingly, and that was all she needed. She tumbled forward, half onto the bed, clinging to my shoulders with shaking sobs.

"Professor, oh, Professor!" She'd given up on the whole 'High Mage' thing pretty quickly. I smothered an amused grin she couldn't see, eyes flickering to Grace unconsciously. She was watching May with a conflicted expression on her face, hands folded neatly behind her back.

I caught her eyes, looked down at May, then back up at her with a question in my raised eyebrow. She shook her head. I took that to mean that May didn't know the truth behind Olivia's-- my-- identity.

I rubbed a hand over her shaking back and she melted into me, breaths turning into sobs as she squeezed as far as she could into my space. We'd never been close at the academy as professor and student, but I was willing to bet I was the most familiar face she had seen at the duke's mansion, not to mention an adult-figure she had mentioned being fond of to Olivia.

Why was she working as a maid, anyway? I thought she was planning on becoming a knight with Elizabeth.

"I'm surprised to see you," I murmured, still tracing soothing circles in her back.

"Oh, professor," she gasped, "horrible things have happened since you left." I froze.

Alarmed, I pulled her back slightly to examine her face. Her eyes were puffy, but determined. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"W-well, after you left, everyone st-started saying you were a traitor! And, and a few people were like, no, that couldn't happen, but then some others were like, they like, believed it!" I tried my best to make out her hiccuping words, but it was a string of consciousness I was barely following.

"Deep breaths," I guided, and she snapped her mouth shut, mimicking my breathing. A pause.

"Elizabeth, uh, my friend, stood up for you. She-- they tried to expel her! And I, I couldn't let that happen, her whole village is counting on her to become a knight, and she's super smart and strong and has way more of a chance than me, so I-I... I took the blame, and I got expelled instead. Ah- and our, our other friend too, Olivia, she disappeared-- I think they must have expelled her too, but I can't find her anywhere."

"You were expelled?" I furrowed my eyebrows in concern. She bit her lip.

"Yeah. And then Grace came, offered me a job here; I don't know how I can repay her. Such a job, such a job can only be reserved for high nobility," she stuttered. It was true-- oftentimes mansion and palace maids were from upper nobility if they served royalty.

I glanced back up at Grace. Her head was turned away, but I saw a biting of pink dusting the tips of her ears.

Did she hire May because she knew we were friends back at the academy? A lump of something clogged my throat, and I pushed it back. I'd think about that later; or never.

It was time for the important questions. "What's it like at the academy now?" She furrowed her eyebrows.

"Like mood, or...?"

"Power struggles," I let her know. Her eyes hardened as much as they could for someone who wore her heart on her sleeve. Still, they were endlessly open.

"Half of the school is in with Annakin and Thurman, and the other half still believes in Grace, er, the duke," she started, and then lowered her voice, "but, honestly, I think that the duke is going to win-- Hamilton, the prime minister's daughter-- do you know her? She's terrifying-- has been doing... something, and it's working." I squinted, trying to remember a 'Hamilton'. I landed on the image of a redhead, one of Grace's friends: the one who always looked like she was saying something completely different than she was thinking, and as if she could see straight through your words.

"I see," I pondered, and Grace took a step forward. Silently, May moved away from the bedside, straightening herself and standing a proper distance away. I saw her lock eyes with Grace, then she lowered hers, nodding once and bowing.

"Good day Duke, High Mage," May said in greeting, and I smiled warmly at her.

"It was delightful to see you again, May."

Now free of anyone but Grace and I, the room fell silent once more. I could feel the presence of guards outside the door if I stretched my mana, now mostly healed with time.

When I turned my head back toward Grace, she was staring at me, expression veiled and thinly worn.

"Are you okay?" I asked, and her eyes flickered to me, up and down my body as if to say you're really asking me that?

"..."

"It wasn't your fault I ended up like this," I told her, and she narrowed her eyes at me, still silent. "I'm the one who's supposed to be in charge of protecting you, not the other way around-- any sort of situation I get myself into has nothing to do with you." It was harsh, but it was true.

Abruptly, I was pulled forward by one of Grace's arms. So lost in thought, I hadn't even noticed her approach. In seconds I was pulled against her, shoulder resting in the crux of her arms, head pulled to nestle in her neck.

"I made an oath," she said, low, and suddenly I was back in Katarina's office, pretending to sleep as Grace swore on my honor to protect me. Katarina's speechlessness. I blinked.

"You made an oath to Olivia."

Her next words were fast, low and seeping with thin frustration: "No, I made an oath to you."

I didn't know what to say, so I nuzzled my head further into her body.

The air felt taut.

"I apologize," I finally said.

"You are safe. That is all that matters."