CHRYSALIS

31. Part Two.

surprise.
here's a mini, tiny update bc you're all yelling at me.

July 15th, 2021.

I have a therapist now.

She recommended this journal as a way to work through the emotions of the last 5 months. I think I like her. She has pink hair that I'm kind of jealous of, and she has UGH fuck, I'm supposed to be focusing. Well, I guess we should start back at "the beginning" huh? The day I came back to LA. Fuck, I don't want to do this. She says it will help though. She says I can be myself again, look in the mirror again.

I don't think I believe her, it's just been too long this time. The girl in the mirror doesn't feel like a separate thing anymore. I am her. She is me.

Fuck it I guess, here we go.

    -Jo.

~

I felt the chill roll down my body. It hardened me to stone in a desperate attempt to protect my heart, which was splintering in my chest.

I swallowed once and tore my eyes away from the mirror. Ice ran through my veins, not blood. There was no warmth in me now, only frigidness or flame.

I put my eyes on Harry, as he stood bathed in warm sunlight. He was pale. The color drained from his face. He stepped toward me but I managed to make the stone move and held a hand out to stop him.

"Hi! I don't believe we've met, I'm Jo." Her hair was dripping wet too. She smelled like him, his shampoo and his body wash.

The cheery tone of my voice did not waver in the slightest, it held strong with false confidence and normalcy that I was immensely grateful for.

We're trained to do this as women, you swallow the world down and you remain fucking polite. You don't make a scene.

I didn't have the energy to make a scene even if I had wanted to.

"Oh hi! Me and Harry go way back, I'm-"

I walked away from her, making my way to the fridge to grab some cheese, an apple, and a protein shake.

"Cute! Well, I'm so sorry to interrupt your breakfast, it was lovely to meet you, any friend of Harry's is a friend of mine. Hopefully, I'll see you around again soon!"

I gave her a three-finger fluttering wave and made my way toward the stairs.

"Jo, stop, please."

"We'll catch up later, Harry. Go enjoy your breakfast, don't be rude."

I turned away from him and casually made my way up the stairs. I didn't run, didn't give any indication that I was in a hurry to be away from them. I just walked slowly to my bedroom, brushed my fingertips over the J painted on the door, and closed it softly behind me.

I thought I would cry, or scream or SOMETHING, but nothing came.

You did this to yourself.

Oh, my conscious had a new voice now. Gone was the perky, funny voice of confidence. In her place was the bitter and sharp voice that used to haunt my dreams.

You have no right to be mad at him, and you know it.

I did know it.

I knew better than to leave, but I did it anyway.

I knew better, but the thought of hearing him say it was a mistake made me run.

I knew better, but a part of me wanted to know if he cared enough to chase me.