One of Us | Jegulus

Nineteen

He avoided James for the next four days completely.

The Longbottoms had left in the same evening, he hadn't seen them again. And since then he only left his room at night to ensure that he wouldn't run into anyone in the kitchen.

He had no idea what James was doing, how he was feeling and what he thought of Regulus and he really didn't want to know any of it.
He should be glad that he could finally leave the room again but now he'd rather confront a hundred more Order members than James Potter.
He was glad that James hadn't tried to talk to him yet but at the same moment he felt more lonely than ever. He wished he could turn back time.

The worst part was that he missed James. He missed being close to someone in the night, he missed someone to joke around with, he missed simple, uncomplicated company. And it was all his fault.

In the evening of the fifth day someone knocked at his door. He started up and stared at the door apprehensively. It opened and Remus entered, he relaxed a bit.
"I've cooked, don't you wanna join us?" he asked and smiled at Regulus. "Why are you always staying up here? You couldn't wait getting out of that one bedroom and now that you can return downstairs whenever you want, you haven't shown yourself once."

Regulus shrugged. He didn't know what to answer.
"Just come downstairs, okay?"
No, he wanted to answer. Absolutely not. But he didn't. He didn't know how to tell Remus why he avoided them, without telling him. So he found himself persuaded and minutes later on his way downstairs with Lupin.

He hesitated before he entered the kitchen. James and Sirius were already sitting at the table, Remus sat down next to Sirius.
So Regulus had to take the place next to James.
Oh god.

Trembling he walked closer, sensing James' eyes on him. He did his best ignoring his presence when he sat down and filled his plate.
The three friends chatted cheerfully while Regulus sat in silence, breathing frantically and trying to finish his meal as fast as possible.

Regulus felt something brushing his hip. He startled and dropped his fork, three pairs of eyes turned st him. He blushed and took a huge gulp of water to avoid the sudden attention. Out of the corner of his eye he could saw James trying to hide a grin.

It had been him, Regulus knew it. And it terrified him. Did he now try to mock him? To humiliate him even further, to make fun of what happened, to give Regulus the fault?
It was so unfair and it infuriated him, but at the same moment he wanted to do nothing but crying. He hated James and he hated himself, he hated Sirius and Remus and just anybody who was remotely responsible for the current situation.

There it was again.
Regulus clenched his fist and his eyes shot down: James had slid his hand slightly under Regulus' sweater and now played casually with the fabric.
He froze, not daring to look directly at James. What was he playing at??
The other two didn't notice — of course, their view was blocked by the table. And Regulus hoped that it would remain like this, they already laughed a lot at him and he didn't want to give them another reason. But it also meant that he had to stay calm and this seemed to be an impossible task.

Just hurry up, he told himself. Don't give him the satisfaction.
But he couldn't stop focussing on the playful fingers branching his skin every now and then. They left a prickling trace hard to ignore.
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and stared at his plate. When he finally finished he immediately jumped up and rushed out of the room, feeling James' eyes on him as he left.

In the hallway he leaned against the wall, burying his face in his hands. He was already exhausted and felt embarrassed, humiliated and once again disgusted by himself.
The sound of approaching steps made him look up. It was James.