One of Us | Jegulus

Thirty-Two

It was the evening of the next day, another day he'd spent in solitude. He figured it was the best to completely avoid the others before unpleasant encounters like the day before made him feel even worse. But he had been wrong: the longing for some contact was more present than ever. So he gave himself a push and left his four walls in the late evening, walking over to the closed bedroom door.

He slowly pushed it open and peeked into the room. "James?" he asked silently.
"Mhh," James answered from inside. Regulus swallowed hard and entered the room. As expected, James was sitting on his bed. He was staring ahead, twisting his wand in his fingers.
"Are you okay?" Regulus walked over to the bed and sat down to hide his shaking legs. He'd always felt safe with James but now he was nervous instead, even a bit scared, and it was unbearable. It was almost as if they were strangers again.

"Sure," James responded tonelessly. Regulus heart dropped. "I miss you," he whispered. Finally, James looked up and their eyes met.
He opened his mouth and closed it again.
"Do you?" he muttered eventually and raised one skeptical eyebrow.
"Of course I do!" Regulus assured. "Can we please stop fighting?" he pleaded, his heart pounding hard in his chest.

James snorted. "Why? Nothing has changed, has it? You just don't care."
"Huh?" Regulus exclaimed exasperated. "I didn't say anything these couple days!"
"Well now I'm supposed to be grateful that you didn't insult my friends into their faces? Reg, I see how you look at them, we all see what you think of them."
"I'm trying, okay?!" he cried. "You treat me like shit too, alright? I don't want any of this! Is it really just because of them? Or do you just don't like me anymore?"
The words left his mouth before he could stop it. He could feel the blood rushing into his cheeks, wishing he could take back the last bit of it.

"Don't—what?" James asked incredulously. "God, Regulus, you're so dense."
"What?" Regulus mumbled defensively. He didn't know how to interpret James' answer but he hated to be laughed at, it was demeaning.

"Forget it," James sighed. "Is there anything else you want? Because I'd prefer to sleep."
Another rejection, and it hurt like knifes.
"James," Regulus whispered and reached out his hand, touching James' arm.
"Just don't, okay?"
Regulus pressed his lips together. "Please... can I just sleep here? I can't really sleep alone anymore."

"Seriously?" James snapped. "You really don't see the problem, do you?"
"What, no, what do you mean?"
"When will you realise that doing those things with me makes you no different from them? I know you're constantly finding excuses for it. Stop it, it's ridiculous. Just face the reality of it or stop coming for me!"
"You stop that!" Regulus cried and jerked back. "Fine, I don't want to have you in my life either!" He turned around, unable to look at James any longer, it hurt too much.

He quickly left the room. There it had been again. James tried to make him feel miserable for what they had enjoyed together just to prove some ridiculous, made up point. It was as if James didn't desire at all to be on good terms again.
Already exhausted, he leaned against the wall in the hallway. It was ironic. Usually he was an incredibly smart wizard, everyone in his environment had always complimented him and assured that he was a gifted, talented person. But when it came to all this social interactions and the relationship problems he found himself tremendously overwhelmed and absolutely clueless.

Defeated, he returned to his own, empty room. It was pathetic how dependent he had become. His entire life he hadn't needed anyone and now he behaved like a winy child when he had to sleep alone? He didn't recognise himself. This wasn't who he originally was, it scared him.

Sleep found him eventually, but he wasn't rested at all, his thoughts constantly with James.
Downstairs in the kitchen the next morning he encountered Sirius. He stopped dead in the doorway, his eyes locked with his brother's provocative glare.
Every inch of his body told him to just turn around and come back later but then he thought of James, who wanted him to 'try harder'. He did not understand whether James even wanted him back at all but if there was a way he could appease him, he was more than willing to try. He painfully missed James.
So he gave himself a push and smiled at his brother. It felt awkward and he couldn't tell whether it was convincing, so he quickly walked over to the kitchen counters past Sirius, who observed him amusedly with raised eyebrows.