Err on the Side of Violence: Terribly Acronymed Detective Club Series (Book 3)

Chapter Forty-Eight: Joe, Fall, 2011

Joe had his second Incredible Hulk moment when he saw his wife kissing the man he never thought she would kiss. Of course, in the natural order of things, he would have preferred she kiss no other man but him, but if there were some Platonic, hypothetical list of men he would accept her kissing, it would be filled with men who were completely unattainable, like movie actors and rock stars, and maybe some douchebag billionaires.

Al would not be on that list. Definitely not Al. First of all, he was Al, earnest, unassuming, unworthy of his wife's attention; what Lauren found kissable in this man he couldn't imagine. Second, Al was already married to Rachel, who was also out of his league, and who was Joe's might-have-been wife if she'd stayed in Queensborough and Lauren had never entered his life. Rachel was Joe's second favourite woman in his life (although Joanie was not far behind,) and she didn't deserve to see this. That made him doubly angry, once for himself and once for her.

The room full of Rachel and Lauren's coworkers suddenly disappeared, and the white noise of their conversation and laughter muffled, until all he saw was Lauren in Al's lap, appearing to devour his face. Joe found it oddly fascinating. If Lauren could have unhinged her jaw, she might actually have taken Al's entire head in her mouth to swallow. It was funny enough that he emitted a startled chuckle, its sound dampened by what seemed like cotton in his ears, before he began to part the sea of revellers, his hands curling into fists.

He might have knocked a few of them aside; he felt a bump or two on various parts of his body, the same way a semi felt squirrels under its tires as they flattened on the highway. The rest of the party goers in his way got the message and stepped aside, and if he'd seen their faces he might have worried about them calling 911, because he didn't want anyone to stop what was coming. When he was like this, he needed to smash, or he didn't know what would happen to him. He might just explode or have a heart attack; this energy coursing through him needed release, just like it did the night he saw the rapist put something in Lauren's drink at the night club.

He worried that he might injure Lauren in his attempt to injure Al, because she was still in his lap, and he didn't know how he was going to pull her off without being rough. He needed to warn her somehow but, just like at the night club, he didn't think she'd hear him in time.

Just as he was about to reach for them, though, Rachel put herself in front of him and pulled Lauren off herself. The effect of her action was jarring. He felt like an old cathode ray tube TV after a magnet had passed in front of it. His rage was distorted until he couldn't recognize it anymore, its picture ruined. He blinked and shook his head, and suddenly everyone was around him again, shouting and fumbling and heading for the door.

"Lauren, what the hell!" Rachel cried as Lauren sank into her arms, limp as a cooked noodle.

Joe made his hands unclench. He realized something was wrong with Lauren. Before, he thought she'd just had too much to drink; she'd been handsy and a bit lewd with him, and he normally liked it, but not in public. Maybe he should have realized something was different, though, when she'd suddenly kissed Tej. That was completely out of character for her. Yes, that was it. Something was wrong with her. Why else would she be kissing Al?

Al, too, looked as boneless as Lauren, flopped in his chair with arms and legs out like a marionette without a marionettist. Joe wondered what the hell was going on. Was something wrong with the food? Did they have food poisoning?

"What's gotten into these two?" he asked, sounding a lot calmer than he felt.

Rachel said, "Here, take your wife." She almost pushed Lauren into his arms.

Lauren looked up at him with eyes half-closed and smiled sheepishly. "Oops," she said, tittered, and then said something that made no sense. "No tears, this time."