The Ally's Blood (Kaisoo) (On Hold)

Chapter 22 : Hello Gorgeous

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Weeks had past by.
But it felt far more that we traveled

It was weird, because it used to be much more tense before with jongdae and chanyeol. It used to be me and jongin trying to calm everyone down. It used to be us who were the only once not having a problem with each other.

But now it seemed like we were the only ones who did.
Yixing and chanyeol had started talking because appearently they had fought on opposite sides once. You would think it would be triggering to both of them, especially chanyeol who was so stubborn when it came to another kind. But yixing acting humble and speaking of the horrors hed seen must have set something in chanyeol.

Maybe it is because they shared the same darkness of that time
Or maybe it was because jongin had been so quiet and serious that chanyeol suddenly felt the urge to become more open to help.

Hed even talked to me, as awkward and horrible as it had been the first few times I felt myself being glad that he was not going to be just on jongins side to tell him that he told him so about a monster like me I almost felt thankful for that gesture of his.

Even more so when I started noticing that he could tell I did not want to be close to yixing as he sometimes would fall back with his horse just so he could ride in between me and yixing keeping us apart even if yixing had just tried to sleep close to me.

It was making me extremely  uncomfortable even more so when I could not tell him straight to the face that I was not his mate neither did I want to be or even cared about him.
No matter what happened that night it did not feel like it was me he saw.
It was more like someone else had possessed me for that moment and whenever yixing came close to me. Tried to talk to me or looked, even touched me it just seemed like he was seeing someone else in me.

It felt disgusting, it felt wrong and I hated every moment that he tried to get close to me.

I even hated thinking back to us kissing.

But then on nights,
I hated those even more. Because whenever the moon rose I could feel like I was losing myself again for wanting to be close to him in body but not mind
It just was not me. It was something else and I could not understand what.

If only I could talk, then i could explain.

Maybe jongin would believe me even..
Then again...

''  I couldve guessed it. That something like this would happen sooner or later."

On that particular night I felt like torturing myself again like so often with repeating what jongin had said to me in my head.
Did he think of these thoughts even  before?

" Have fun being this cheap it must be an instinct of yours anyway right ? Is that it ? Did you miss it ? Seducing people"

I felt like hating myself for tearing up at that particular part.. an instinct.
Cause that's all I was. That creature that seduced and then killed, that's all the purpose someone like me had anyway.

The weeks before i told myself he had just said those things because he was mad, he did not mean them it was just something he came up with on the spot because he knew it was something that would hurt me even if it was not as much as I had hurt him.

But the more nights i had myself repeat it to me. The more I started doubting that theorie. The more I thought that he had maybe thought of those things before.
Why would he not? 
I wish I could be angry about it.

But i was more scared that he might be right.
I would never miss that disgusting side of me but what if it was an instinct.
When I kissed yixing. What happened before was that I spoke. I could talk in that moment because of him.
I could see colours for the split second we had kissed.