Life goes on

Chapter 9

Warning: This chapter consists of using alcohol as a coping method. If this is a sensitive topics for you I suggest you stop reading now.

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The beeping sound is the first thing I process, next comes the tightness in my throat. I open my eyes to see I'm in a hospital room hooked up to a few machines.

I look over to the side of my bed expecting to see Haymitch but no one else is in my room. Where's Peeta? It feels like the time after he choked me in District 13. Did I lose him again?

The only way I'll be able to know for sure that he's okay is if I see him, I've learned not to trust people. I have to find him for myself.

I start to sit up and realize I have a neck brace on, I hate wearing braces or casts. They just remind me of how weak I am. I painfully remove the tubes from my body and start to walk.

Woah, this is going to be harder than I thought. Everything is spinning and I'm feeling light headed. I'm thinking about going back to my bed when I remember that this about Peeta not me.

This thought carries me forward and I manage to get out of my room without a nurse noticing me. I have to lean heavily on the wall though to help me from falling over.

I've walked far enough now and I'm getting nervous. The last time I was in a hospital Peeta was waiting for me to wake up late at night. I look out a window, it's not even dark yet. Why isn't he here.

All these thoughts have me concentrated on something other than my walking so I begin to fall to the ground. I knock into some metal trays and make a lot of noise as I crash against the floor and hit my head.

Ow, this was not what I needed right now. A nurse must have seen I wasn't in her room and heard the noise because now I think she's calling my name.

I can't let her take me back to the hospital room without seeing Peeta first. Did he recover from his episode, or is he still in his mutt form? I knew he let go of me right before I blacked out but Haymitch could have pried him off me, or did he stop himself?

These are the questions I need answers to so when the nurses are calling after me and coming closer I make myself stand.

I have to find Peeta, I need to make sure he's okay. I'm not going to leave him like I did at the lightning tree.

The whole room is spinning but I am able to stand and I force myself to run, I can't let the nurses take me back. I go faster than I should, I even sprint for a short period of time.

All of sudden there's someone in front of me. I crash into them but they don't seem to move only I feel my legs start to give in. Everything is fuzzy but I'm able to make out Haymitch's face as he guides me to the floor before I black out.

I wake up in another hospital room. This time there's more tubes in my arm and something at my wrists. I look a little closer and see they're cuffs holding me down to the bed.

"So what was the plan, sweetheart?" I look over and Haymitch is next to me with a bottle in his hand. "Were you just going to run out of the hospital concussion and all?" I never thought about escaping I just wanted to find Peeta.

I try to ask him where Peeta is but the pain in my throat stops me. Haymitch tells me I won't be able to talk for a few days.

"You're probably wondering where Peeta is, well he uh. He says he is going to uh. Stay away for a little bit. He said he doesn't want to see you anymore."

Now I've done it. I've lost everyone I care about.

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I'm released from the hospital the next day. It's a little passed midnight and Haymitch is down stairs sleeping. He had so many drinks yesterday it would be pretty hard to wake him up.

I easily slip downstairs without making a sound. All I can think about is Peeta. The old Peeta would never leave me. He would comfort me and love me no matter what. I miss him and I want him back, but I'll never get him back now. Because I left him at the lightning tree. It's all my fault.

My breathing is rapidly getting faster as I think about this. I have to get out of here. I have to go.

I run outside to the cold air and snow. All my thoughts are taking over my head. It's all my fault.

I find myself in one of the abandoned houses that I used to come to right after the war. I find full bottles of alcohol that I brought one night when things were particularly bad. I immediately begin to drink.

Peeta is gone. It's all my fault. Prim is dead. It's all my fault. My mom and Gale left. It's all my fault. Finnick. Rue. Boggs. Mags. Everyone in the games. All dead because I had to live. It's all my fault.

It's all my fault. One bottle down. It's all my fault. Two. It's all my fault. Three. It's all my fault. My hands are bloody from who knows what but I couldn't care less. It's all my fault. Everyone else is gone because of me anyways. And I know it's all my fault.

My brain is foggy from the drinks but I know what I have to do.

I pick myself up and grab a rope I brought with me. I walk to the woods. My hands are bleeding heavily now so I leave a red trail in the snow. I don't care.

I know where I'm going. To the woods. To the hanging tree.