I'll be here forever

chapter 47 | Daisy

I don't know how long I sat by that ledge.

I almost hoped that it'd cave suddenly, sending me down with him, but it didn't. The ground was still.

This couldn't be happening. It couldn't. He couldn't be gone, it just wasn't possible. After everything, everything we'd done, every stupid thing we'd survived- he couldn't just be gone. Just like that.

It didn't make any sense. How could he be gone? I almost couldn't completely believe it. It didn't seem real, like in a second or two, I'd wake up, next to him in bed, shaking off this awful nightmare.

But I didn't. I didn't wake up.

I stared down into that abyss, and I hoped. Stupid, stupid hope. I hoped for something, anything that might hint at him being alive. I hoped for a sound of pain, and I hoped to hear his voice call out to me, telling me, assuring me that he was okay. That he made it. Just like he said he would.

But there wasn't. There was nothing but an insufferable silence. There was nothing. Nothing at all.

When my voice had recovered enough to actually make a sound, I called out his name. My voice was raspy and raw, and didn't come above a whisper, and still I called for him, hoping, praying that I'd get an answer.

Hope. How stupid I was, to hope.

It truly is the worst of all. If I could see him, dead, right in front of me, it wouldn't be as painful, because I would know for sure. There would be no stupid hope, no part of me that could argue that he might've lived, that he might've made it. Because the reality is, a fall like that would kill him instantly. But I couldn't stop a part of me from hoping. That was the worst part.

At least he went quickly. He didn't have to suffer the agony that I did, now.

I understood why he did it. I understood that it was the logical choice. I understood that he had to. I understood. And still, I suffered.

I felt like I was trapped under an immovable weight. There was no way to tunnel out. There was just the barest hint of sunlight shining through the hole in the top, and I'd never be able to get out, no matter how hard I tried.

His ring, which didn't fit on my finger, I had slipped on the leather corded necklace we'd found in the backpack. There were beads on it previously, but I didn't care about them, so I dumped them into the pocket carelessly.

Putting it on, it made me feel closer to him.

I held Riptide in my hand, gripping it as tightly as I could. I could feel the cool bronze of the pen under my bloody hands, and it comforted me. That pen, that sword, was such a big part of him, and now that he was gone, it was all I had left.

And even though I knew it was stupid, I still called his name, wrecking my voice, even as I knew there wouldn't be a response. There was nothing down there. He was gone. I couldn't accept it. I wouldn't.

Tears streamed down my face, and I couldn't stop, no matter how hard I tried to.

Why? Why us? Why him? Why did he make me promise to let him go? Why did I have to suffer all alone? Why now?

Everything had finally been falling into place. I'd finally felt like I belonged. I finally had him, all of him. We'd been happy. I'd been happy.

Was that it? That the gods couldn't bear to let us be happy, so they killed him, to leave me in misery? No. No, even they couldn't be that cruel. Could they?

A shadow passed over the sun. I looked up to it, the warmth drying the tears on my face, and the shadow passed. I could see it up in the clouds, circling around and getting lower and lower.

At this point, I didn't care. Let the monsters come. I'll kill every last fucking one, and then more. If I had to live with the pain of losing him, they could live with the pain of being sent back to Tartarus. I wasn't sure which one was worse.

Whatever it was landed beside me. I pulled out my dagger and readied myself, almost hoping for a fight.

Instead, I found that it was a beautiful brown horse that had landed beside me- it had big, gorgeous wings. A pegasus. Its coat was a rich, dark brown, and its dark eyes regarded me with intelligence and respect, something I'd never seen in an animal.  I sheathed my dagger warily.

I wiped my tears away, leaving streaks of blood on my face. My hands were still bleeding. I'd figured they'd have stopped by now.

"Hello," I said, my voice shaky but strong. I had the strangest sense that this pegasus was here to help me.

The pegasus bowed its head in greeting, and I found myself shocked.

Then a breeze blew through my hair; I recognized it. It smelled just like Percy did. Like the ocean. My eyes pricked with tears.

Her name is Myrine, a voice said in my mind, she will protect you.

The voice was not unlike the one from the earth, the one that had taken the thing I held closest to my heart. But this one was not angry- he was cool, wistful. Sad.

"What's going on?" I asked.

I am merely granting my son's dying wish, the voice said. He sounded like he was mourning.

I choked on whatever words might've come out of my mouth, whatever questions I might've asked. They died in my throat. The breeze blew past, and I felt the presence leave me. Poseidon's presence.

So Percy was really gone, then. There was nothing left for me to hope for.

I broke down in tears, then, sinking down to my knees. Because Percy's last thought had not been that he was about to die- it'd been about me. He'd asked Poseidon to protect me.

I didn't know whether to be touched, or offended. That asshole knew damn well that I could take care of myself.

The pegasus- Myrine- folded herself down next to me, tucking her wings into herself. She placed her muzzle ever so gently in my lap comfortingly.

And then I got the sense that Percy hadn't only meant to protect me from harm; he'd meant to protect me from myself. Protect me from being alone. Protect me from all the things he wished he could.

I just wished he'd be here to do it himself.