I'll be here forever

chapter 67

I'm not sure how long I passed out for. It could've been minutes, or hours, or days. I had no way of keeping track.

But when I did wake up, I hurt. Gods, I hurt so much. Everything hurt. Every part of me, it hurt. My body was in almost as much pain as my near-death experience on that riverbank had caused. But it was more; it wasn't just my limbs. Everything inside of me hurt too, every organ, every gasping breath.

A bit reluctantly, I opened my eyes, and the only thing I could see was the sky. It was blue, a never ending blue, not a cloud in sight to interrupt it.

Just for a minute, everything was almost surreal. The pain seemed almost to be far away, happening to someone else, some other time. Not me, no.

Only for this one minute, I had forgotten where I was, completely. I forgot where I was, and what happened, and what I'd done, the people. I forgot it all. Just for a minute.

Oh gods, the people.

I sat up quickly, jerking forward. Too quickly. Much too quickly.

And suddenly there was a stabbing pain in my head, easily the worst migraine I'd ever had; and my vision swam, going black around the edges.

I killed two people.

People. I killed two people. I killed people who had lives, who had friends, who had families. Demigods, like me. Demigods that had dreams, had talents, had places to go, things to be. Demigods that had their whole life, however short it may have been, to live.

But I'd cut it shorter. I'd done that. I killed them both.

I tried to take a deep breath, but there was nothing there. I couldn't breathe. Gods, I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding against my ribcage weakly, insistently, and I felt like I'd had the air ripped from my lungs. There was nothing left. I couldn't breathe.

I looked at my hands. They were still covered in blood, still covered in the reminder of what I'd done.

I dug my fingernails into my palms, trying, trying. Trying to do what, I don't know. Trying to forget. Trying to push it far from the front of my brain, the red, the blood, the look on his face, the look on her face.

I couldn't.

I couldn't forget. They wouldn't let me.

I couldn't forget, even as my nails drew blood from my palms, and then I kept digging them in deeper, wincing as I did it. Trying to forget it. Trying, trying, even as my blood mixed with his.

But I couldn't. I couldn't.

His face as I stabbed him was forever burned into my mind. The betrayal in his eyes, the disbelief. I didn't think I'd ever be able to forget.

And then there was the girl-

Oh my gods.

My stomach turned over itself, like I was going to throw up. How could I have done that?

And even worse- how could I enjoy it?

I remembered the euphoric feeling. I remembered the power I felt. There was a certain allure to deciding whether they lived or died. Watching their souls slip away, like I'd felt mine not much earlier. I'd said that I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, but I'd still let it happen.

Fucking hell, I was the one that had done it. I'd sent their souls to hell myself.

Why?

That was the question I couldn't quite seem to answer.

Why had I done it?

Why could I do it? Why was this power mine to use?

Why me?

And gods, I know it's wrong. It's so, so wrong- the very thought makes me sick to my stomach.

But why?

Why had it felt so good?

There was something quite unique about it, some semblance of beauty in being the one who chose for them. I remembered the dizzying rush of using that power, and horrifyingly enough, I found myself wanting to use it again. Even with the terrible things I'd done, I wanted to use it again.

I hated myself for it.

I hated every single fucking part of myself.

I could hardly feel my hands. They tingled with thousands of pins and needles. They were bloody, covered in both old and new.

I was dizzy, and lightheaded- The edges of my vision blackened even more, coming closer. I tried blinking it away, but I'd anything, the blackness came closer to taking over.

And I couldn't breathe. I could hear myself, the short rasps and gasps I felt rattle through my lungs, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel myself breathing, and I gasped for air, even as there was nothing there.

I couldn't breathe.

I just wanted to slip back into the welcome blackness, the comfort of it, the familiarity of of nothing at all. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I wanted it all to go away. Go away, go away. Please.

But it wouldn't.